


Too Hot (Hot Damn)

by Fallen_Star



Series: Give Me Love [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-03
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-04-02 16:51:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4067422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fallen_Star/pseuds/Fallen_Star
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So maybe he should have paid more attention to his mother when she tried to teach him how to use kitchen utensils, but he had assumed that when he moved into his own place he would work it out on his own. Uchiha Itachi was nothing if not a proud man, and being forced to admit that he had set his kitchen on fire for the second time in a fortnight because he couldn’t figure out how to cook a meal was not high on his wish list. Thus, it was all the microwave’s fault.</p>
<p>In which Itachi keeps setting fire to his apartment, Kisame is the firefighter on call, and Sasuke is a brat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

 “I promise this is not my fault.” With an awkward smile and a shrug of his shoulders, Itachi dissolved himself of all blame.

“Sure, that lasagne was just the really flammable kind, huh, kid?” The firefighter heaved a long, self pitying sigh as his partner hauled away the wreckage that was Itachi’s microwave. The Uchiha had not yet found out the name of this particular man, however if his month carried on the way it had been going, they would be best friends by the end of the week.

“And last week, that frying pan just had it in for you.” Okay, so maybe he should have paid more attention to his mother when she tried to teach him how to use kitchen utensils, but he had assumed that when he moved into his own place he would work it out on his own. Uchiha Itachi was nothing if not a proud man, and being forced to admit that he had set his kitchen on fire for the second time in a fortnight because he couldn’t figure out how to cook a meal was not high on his wish list. Thus, it was all the microwave’s fault.

“The microwave must have been faulty.” All pride aside, that really was the most logical explanation. Itachi was a high end lawyer, a very intelligent man, who would be able to use a microwave if it were functioning correctly. This one must be broken: this was his first time using it after all, and it wasn’t as though his mother’s home made lasagne was especially susceptible to spontaneously combusting, meaning that the only true explanation had to be that the microwave was at fault.

“Uhuh, it could be that. It’s more likely to be the tin foil over your flammable lasagne that caused this.” Itachi suddenly decided that he didn’t want to know his firefighter’s name, because if he did he would probably track the man down and kill him in the name of Uchiha pride. Itachi wasn’t stupid: he was well aware that metal and microwaves do not mix well, and he would never be so foolish. Well, okay maybe he had forgotten to take the tin foil off the top but Mikoto had told him to keep the lasagne covered when he heated it up so that it wouldn’t dry out, and he just kept it how she had given it to him. It had been very thoughtful of her, to give him food that he could just heat in the microwave, seeing as how his stove was currently out of commission thanks to that accident with the frying pan and the bacon last week. He didn’t even try to put water on the oil fire, he wasn’t a complete moron, but the tea towel he placed over it just set on fire itself and when he threw it at the sink it missed and set the curtains aflame. Perhaps living alone really was a bad idea - his little brother had tried to tell him he wouldn’t last two weeks, but who was he to talk when he was living in a student house and took his dirty washing home every weekend. There were some highly suspicious stains on the latest washing load that Sasuke had brought home, Itachi suspected that his adorable little brother was taking part in some experimentation with his blonde, big mouthed roommate. If that was true then Itachi felt deeply sorry for the people living around them: subtle and quiet Naruto Uzumaki was not.

“You still with me or have you fallen asleep on the spot?” The deep voice broke Itachi out of his inner musings and back to the present. He tuned back in to find the firefighter’s face two inches from his own, looking at him as though he were a particularly interesting exhibit at the local museum. Itachi blinked a couple of times, before slightly leaning away from the man in his personal space.

“Are you almost done in here? I have an early start in the morning.” The firefighters lips quirked into a small smirk, showing a hint of sharp canine. Itachi couldn’t help but feel a sudden flash of attraction, surprising him with it’s intensity. It had been a long time since someone had managed to pique his interest, let alone somebody whose name he didn’t know yet.

“Sure thing kid, we’re just about done. Take some advice from me? Stick to takeaways for a while yeah.” Itachi frowned, this was the second time the man had called him kid, even though he couldn’t have been all that much older. Nevertheless, Itachi really did have work early in the morning, and telling the man not to call him kid could result in an argument he really didn’t have the energy for. Apparently having two fires break out in his kitchen in as many weeks was exhausting. With this in mind, Itachi opened his mouth to say thank you and goodnight to the firefighter and his (currently cussing in ways Itachi had never heard before) work partner.

“I’m 23 years old.” Is what actually emerged from his mouth. Apparently the kid thing bothered him more than he thought.

“Congratulations. What’s your point?” He really did need to find out the man’s name, referring to him in his head as ‘my firefighter’ was getting troublesome.

“I’m not a kid, so kindly refrain from calling me one.” In that moment, Itachi had the unpleasant realisation that he sounded exactly like Sasuke used to at age 7, when Shisui and himself used to tell the younger boy to stay at home because he wasn’t old enough to go with them to the fair and ride the roller coasters. Sasuke would give an adorable little pout and claim he wasn’t a little kid, and Shisui would break under the pressure and puppy dog eyes every time. At 23 years old, Itachi was actually considering whether the pout and eyes would work for him in this situation.

“Whatever you say man.” Another small half-smile and a slight head tilt, before the firefighter was beckoned away by his (still swearing) partner.

“Looks like we’re off. Maybe you’ll set the washing machine on fire and I’ll be back tomorrow, huh?”

“Kisame, let’s fucking go.” Finally, a name to put to the face.

“Alright Hidan keep your hair on. See ya later kid.” With a wink, the firefighter - Kisame - turned around and walked out of Itachi’s flat.

Forever.

 

* * *

 

Okay no, but it was at least two weeks this time, and in his defense Sasuke shouldn’t have been smoking in his apartment: it was only right that they’d gotten into a slight fight about it and the cigarette had gotten dropped onto the sofa along the way.

“So, I suppose this time it wasn’t your fault either?”

“Absolutely not. My brother dropped his cigarette, entirely his fault.” Itachi gave a haughty sniff and a small glare towards Sasuke.

“Because _you_ rugby tackled me, dickhead.”

“Don’t be a brat Sasuke, I barely touched you. Your reflexes have clearly not improved since the last time I saw you.”

“Fuck off _barely touched me_ you-”

“Enough, little brother.” Itachi turned back to Kisame, leaving Sasuke spluttering. “It was Kisame, wasn’t it? I apologise for my brother and his,” a quick glance at Kisame’s partner, Hidan, who was as usual swearing at anything in sight, “language.”

“Yeah, no biggie. Judging by how the past month has gone, me and you are gonna be best buddies by the end of the summer, so I guess I better start getting used to the kid, huh?” Itachi felt what was probably an irrational amount of smugness at this, which he had to fight to keep from showing on his face. This time, Sasuke was the kid, not him, meaning that everything was once again right with the world. Nevermind that Sasuke hadn’t been here last time Kisame had, it was a universal rule that no big brother (or sister) in the entire world could be called a kid when in the presence of the younger sibling, or even just at all really. It should be written in law that once the next child had arrived onto this world, the elder passed on the title of kid and became something else: ‘champ’ was one that Itachi had heard often, and of course the classic ‘buddy’. Of course there were some exceptions to this rule: Shisui by his very nature would remain a brat for the rest of his life, no matter how old he was or how many children his aunt popped out, and the same could be said for his uncle Obito, who continued to prank (and subsequently piss off) anyone who would fall for it, despite now having children himself.

“I don’t actually know your name yet.” Kisame raised an eyebrow and looked at Itachi expectantly.

“Right. It’s Itachi, Uchiha Itachi. And this is Sasuke.” Sasuke turned to give Itachi an incredibly scathing look before turning his glare back out of the window. If there was anything that could be said for Uchiha Sasuke, it was that he had sulking down to an expert art.

“No fuckin’ way! Uchiha?! Wouldn’t happen to be a relation to Uchiha Fugaku?” Honestly, Itachi was beginning to believe that Hidan was incapable of speaking without expletives and exclamations.

“My father.” Itachi replied simply, nodding towards the silver-haired man.

“The police captain is your dad? And you don’t know how to keep your apartment fire free for longer than two weeks?” A snort from the general direction of his little brother had Itachi sending his own glare and murderous thoughts, before turning to Kisame with what he hoped was a genuine looking smile, and not the terrifying ‘I’m gonna cut you into little pieces and enjoy it’ smile that Shisui claimed was the only expression Itachi ever showed.

“I know how to keep my apartment from being broken into. Also, I’ve been going to great pains to keep these incidences from my father’s notice, please don’t mention them if you see him.” His mother was the only person he knew that could successfully lie to Uchiha Fugaku, which meant that for the past few weeks Itachi had only been communicating with his father through her. The man was very set in his ways, and insisted that his sons do their absolute best, however he was also a rather protective man: Fugaku had been insistent that at least one of them stay at home, and only a stern talking to by their mother convinced him otherwise. Itachi was not going to be the sibling to prove him right, and had high hopes that once his father learned of Sasuke’s rather obvious infatuation with his university roommate his little brother would be the one forced to move back to the family home. Nothing would invoke action faster than his father finding out that his youngest son was following in his elder brother’s footsteps and joining the darkside (or homosexuality as most people not named Uchiha Fugaku call it), not to mention that Sasuke had considerably worse taste than he did. Uzumaki Naruto was loud mouthed, hyperactive and worst of all _common_ , and Itachi had no doubts that Sasuke would be whisked far away from the boy if his father caught wind of their affair. Not that Sasuke had admitted to anything yet, of course, but Itachi had his ways and planned to get the information out of his brother by the end of the day. He knew that smoking was not the only dirty habit his brother had picked up from his life at university.

“You think I’m gonna lie to the Captain’s face? You got another thing coming kid, I’m crazy but not that crazy.” Sasuke was clearly thoroughly enjoying himself now, judging by the sniggering coming from his turned back.

“We had this conversation last time, I’m 23 years old, and am not a kid.”

“Ah, I never agreed though. I was 12 years old when you were born, you’re a kid to me.” Well, Itachi always had been attracted to older men, but Kisame really didn’t look a day over 25.

“You’re 35?” The amused sounds from the younger Uchiha increased in volume at Itachi’s disbelieving (and if you were listening very carefully, disappointed) tone, at which point Itachi realised that his brother had figured out Itachi’s interest in the firefighter. This was not good news.

“Yeah, good genes I know.” One of his infuriating winks and Itachi was practically swooning. Which in Uchiha terms meant he blinked a few times more than necessary, and an eyebrow twitched minutely. Out of the corner of his eye, Itachi saw his brother turn and open his mouth, which he knew wouldn’t be anything good. Time to evacuate.

“Well, you’re all done here right? Hidan? All done? _Good_. Thank you very much for your hard work as always gentlemen, please don’t mention this to my father. Hopefully won’t be seeing you both for a long time, or ever. Bye.” Itachi herded the men out of his door, threw one last smile at a rather shocked looking Kisame, and slammed the door in his face.

Immediately, he turned to Sasuke, who looked positively gleeful.

“I swear, little brother, one word and I’m throwing you out of that window.”

“Is it the uniform?” The brothers stared at eachother for a moment, before Sasuke let out an incredibly high pitched, almost inhuman screech and went running towards the (lockable) bathroom door, Itachi close on his heels.

 

* * *

  


“I can’t wait for Shisui to hear about this.” Sasuke stated, before stuffing more pizza into his already full mouth. They were currently sitting on Itachi’s living room floor, seeing as how the couch was unsalvageable and Itachi had not yet invested in any armchairs, eating pizza and watching a B-rated gore fest on the TV (which was really rather expensive and Itachi hoped wouldn’t decide to burst into flames like all his other electrical appliances had the habit of lately), and Sasuke had apparently decided to once again risk his life and bring up Kisame as a topic of conversation.

“Shisui will not be hearing of anything, because there is nothing to tell.” A pointed look at his brother which clearly stated ‘disagree and I will force this mozzerella stick somewhere you won’t find it again’ and Itachi considered the conversation over.

“Not only have you set your flat on fire three times since you moved in, but you’ve got the hots for the fireman who comes and puts them out. There is _plenty_ to tell and I’m gonna enjoy doing it.” Sasuke really was quite insufferable sometimes, especially when he was smug about having something to hold over Itachi’s head.

“Perhaps I will take great enjoyment from informing father that his innocent, adorable youngest son likes to take it up the ass from psychology students.” Itachi took great pleasure in watching Sasuke choke on his mouthful of garlic bread, knowing that the little brat had deserved it.

“ _Excuse me_. Are you implying-”

“I’m not implying anything, I know. Foolish little brother, you should know by now that you can’t keep anything from your big brother.” Landing a flick onto a surprised (and irritated) Sasuke’s forehead, Itachi got to his feet and headed to the kitchen for another beer.

“You-I don’t-...” A resigned sigh. “How long have you known?”

“Hmmm, probably since it started. You aren’t exactly subtle, just lucky that father isn’t exactly perceptive when it comes to things outside of work.” Uchiha Fugaku truly was a conundrum of a man, who was the greatest detective the city of Konoha had seen in a very long time, but was utterly clueless when it came to the social lives of his sons. Itachi had been forced to come out to his father five times before Fugaku actually realised what was being said, and another two after that for him to not think that Itachi was joking.

After grabbing two beers from the fridge, Itachi wandered back into the living room and sighed in defeat. Sasuke remained seated on the floor with an utterly lost and vulnerable look on his face, staring up at Itachi as though he held all the answers. Sometimes, his little brother really was too adorable, and although Itachi had plenty of practice with resisting the puppy dog eyes, there were some instances where this just wasn’t possible. He placed the bottles on the floor and sat down opposite Sasuke.

“You really are a brat. I’m not going to tell father anything about your sexual orientation, Sasuke, I’m not a monster.” Sasuke pursed his lips and turned his eyes to the ground.

“I don’t, I don’t know what it is. My sexual orientation. I just, I’m so _confused_ Itachi, I thought I liked girls, but then Naruto, and now…”

“You know bisexuality is a thing, right? It doesn’t have to be one or the other, Sasuke, you can want whoever, however many genders. There isn’t a rule against it.”

“I know.” He looked up and smiled, a small, genuine smile which always unwittingly bought a wave of affection crashing down onto Itachi. He hated it. “Thank you. I just, I knew you wouldn’t tell him, not really, it just. It scares me. That he might find out, and get angry or force me to move. I don’t want that, I don’t want to move away from him. I just-” With another sigh and a shrug, Sasuke fell silent.

Itachi immediately felt guilty for his thoughts earlier, knowing that he had been thinking exactly that when considering how to keep his father’s attention away from his own mistakes. It would also appear that Sasuke was a lot more serious about this Naruto than Itachi had previously thought, causing an almost insufferable need to protect his brother to overcome him.

“I wouldn’t let that happen. I promise. If you’re serious about this, though from what I’ve seen of Naruto it makes no sense, then nothing is gonna get in the way. Trust me, little brother, you know I’m always here if you need me.” Sasuke smiled at him again and nodded, leaning slightly towards Itachi as though aiming for a hug, but his dislike for physical contact keeping him from going all the way. Itachi must have a talk with Naruto, it was almost impossible to get Sasuke to take any form of physical contact when he wasn’t drunk, and Itachi couldn’t help but wonder how Uzumaki had convinced him otherwise.

“I’m still telling Shisui about Kisame though.” As if by magic, all affectionate feelings for his little brother flew back to the deeply buried realm from which they came, and all murderous intentions came flooding to the surface. Sasuke smirked at him in reaction to the sudden dark energy flowing from his older brother.

“It’s not even that I want to embarrass you or whatever, I just hate it when Shisui is upset with me. And you know he will be, if he finds out that I knew before he did and I didn’t tell him.” Although Itachi was loath to admit it, Sasuke did have a point. An upset Shisui was like an upset golden retriever, following you around with his tail between his legs and a woe is me attitude until you broke and had to apologise, promising to make it up to him. And, of course, Shisui had already planned exactly what could be done as amends, and it was always something awful and devious - last time he had made Itachi accompany him to a karaoke bar. He hadn’t gone so far as to force Itachi to sing (nothing on earth could achieve that feat), however Itachi’s mental health had never been the same again after watching at least five different middle aged men sing Angels in what they thought was a crooning manner (it wasn’t).

“Shisui will hear about it from me, if and when there is something to tell.”

“So you do plan on there being something to tell? I should inform you that I will judge you so hard if you set your flat on fire on purpose to see him again.”

“Don’t be utterly ridiculous.” Not a bad idea though. “I don’t even know if he’s interested. Or if _I_ am, not really. I’ve only met him three times, and it all amounts to about two hours in total.”

“So what you’re saying, is that it really might just be the uniform.”

“Shut your goddamn mouth.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Itachi's bad luck continues, Shisui is a devious little shit, we meet some more of the fire department, and there might actually be some plot in there somewhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally supposed to be a one-shot. And then I just kept writing, and now I'm like 'wouldn't it be great if this happened. Oh and this. Oh and I could write the narusasu story as a separate thing for this too.'  
> Somebody stop me.

Uchiha Itachi was not an unlucky man, in fact all things considered he was a rather lucky man, fortunate enough to be born into a wealthy family, have not an insubstantial amount of intelligence and be in good health. Lately, however, that luck seemed to have abandoned him, and he continued to come into bad fortune. Over the past two months he had managed to set fire to his apartment three times and now, with what was possibly the worst timing in the world, his work building had decided to burst into sudden and really quite impressive flames. The entire building was evacuated, of course, and now Itachi stood trying not to die of embarrassment as the Konoha Fire Department fought to keep the flames in check. Every once in a while one of the firefighters would glance his way and smirk, and although this wouldn’t be too much of an issue if, for example, they were people that he knew, Kisame and Hidan were nowhere is sight and their colleagues still all seemed to know who he was. The only conclusion that Itachi could draw from this was that he had become a topic of gossip in the fire station, something which both slightly mortified him and also made him considerably curious that Kisame might have actually been talking about him. As if that wasn’t enough, the police department had shown up, meaning that Itachi was now forced to dodge his father’s questions about how the fire department knew him, whilst simultaneously trying to pretend he couldn’t notice the deputy he’d slept with last year attempting to catch his eye.

“I see you’ve upped your fuckin’ game. A whole building this time, it’s actually kinda impressive in a fucked up kinda way.” It was official - Itachi was going to murder Hidan. Turning to give the man the most impressive glare he could muster whilst also cringing at the mildly alarmed look his father was sending his way, Itachi gritted his teeth.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Sure ya do. Your stove, your microwave, your fuckin’ sofa, and now the building you work in. If you wanted to get the attention of the fire department you coulda bought us cake or something, we like that.”

“I did _not-_ ” A challenging, raised eyebrow from the man in front of him “set fire to this building.” There really was no point trying to deny the other fires, besides the damage had already been done. Fugaku was looking between him and Hidan like they were a murder case he needed to solve, and Itachi knew that this look really only meant trouble and a very boring, very long lecture about Why Father Is Always Right.

“You say that every time.” Ah, and there was the other person he really hadn’t wanted to see today. Or, well, he had wanted to see him ever since he’d slammed the door in his face two weeks ago but certainly not in these circumstances. Was it even possible to want to see someone but not want to see someone at the same time?

“Yes, but this time it genuinely wasn’t my fault.” A gleeful look passed over Kisame’s face, and Itachi was quick to rectify his mistake. “Not that the other times were.”

“Sure, sure. I believe you kid.” Itachi narrowed his eyes in warning - twice, twice now they’d had this conversation. If the smirk on the man’s face was anything to go by, Kisame clearly knew exactly how irritating he was being.

“I’m sorry, but what on earth is going on?” Uchiha Fugaku was not the kind of man who stood around and waited to be informed of things. In relation to the general safety of Konoha residents who relied on him to be a good police captain, this was a very good thing. In terms of Itachi being a son who would really quite like to keep some secrets from his father every once in a while, it was a very bad thing. It was a well-known fact that Fugaku was slightly oblivious to the social lives of his sons, however clearly the man was drawing the line at not being told about various infernos in his eldest son’s new living establishment.

“I may have had a few...accidents lately in my apartment. But everything is fine, Kisame and Hidan here were the firefighters on call.”

“Accidents. Plural?” Now came the raised eyebrow and the detective voice.

“Three times. Once he set the stove on fire trying to cook bacon, then he left tin foil on top of something when he put it in the microwave, then he tackled his brother and caused him to drop the-”

“Match.” Itachi quickly cut across Kisame in an uncharacteristically loud voice. “Sasuke was lighting some candles, and he dropped the match and set the sofa on fire.” A warning look at Kisame - just because he was apparently getting caught out didn’t mean he was taking his little brother with him. He was all for getting Sasuke into trouble with his father, however informing him that his youngest son had taken up the habit of smoking would lead to a lecture that Itachi wouldn’t wish on his worst enemy, let alone his adorable baby brother who he was forced to love out of family duty.

“I see, and you didn’t inform me of any of this because…” An expectant look and Itachi was transported to a time when he was seven years old, trying (and tremendously failing) to hide the fact that he had drawn all over a two year old Sasuke’s face with permanent marker. His mother had been rightfully horrified, but somehow his father’s reaction had been worse. He’d just sat Itachi down and asked him why. No matter how much Itachi tried to convince him that Sasuke had done it to himself, or that he’d just found him that way, Fugaku would not budge. Finally Itachi had been forced to tell his father that he had been bored and scribbling on his little brother’s face seemed like it would be fun. Of course this wasn’t entirely true, however he couldn’t exactly tell Fugaku that he’d done it in revenge for Sasuke having the _audacity_ to pull his hair and chew on it. To this day, Itachi was firmly of the belief that the little shit fully deserved it.

He really must show Sasuke those pictures one of these days.

“I had it under control. There was no need.” A scoff from Kisame caused Itachi to send him a look promising painful death, only to receive that stupid smirk in reply that turned his brain to mush. Uchihas did not blush, however they did occasionally have to make a very conscious effort not to look away in a bashful manner. Itachi was anything but bashful, however something about the firefighter made him want to hide behind his father and giggle. Which, obviously, would not be happening, but Itachi was now pretty damn sure Kisame was aware of the effect he had on him - if anything, his smirk grew wider at Itachi’s continued stare, and he finished it with a wink before turning away from both Uchihas.

“I gotta actually go do my job now. Nice to see you again Itachi. Captain.” A respectful nod of his head (and it was nice to know the man was capable of having respect for people) and Kisame left, dragging his seemingly reluctant partner with him.

“Son? Care to explain some more?”

“Actually, father, there isn’t much else to say.”

“Hmmmm.” Throwing a sceptical look at his son, Uchiha Fugaku left without so much as a goodbye - such was his way. Presumably he was leaving to do what he had actually come here for, rather than interrogating his own, perfectly innocent son. Itachi’s phone buzzed in his pocket, the caller ID flashing ‘Shisui’. Heaving a great sigh, Itachi braced himself - he was aware that Sasuke had been to lunch with their cousin the day before, and no doubt had given all the gossip from the fiasco two weeks ago.

“Hello Shisui.”

“A fireman?! Get in there Itachi, and when you do steal me a uniform. For...reasons.” Itachi cringed and, perhaps a little unnecessarily, glanced around to make sure that nobody could overhear his idiot cousin talking on the phone.

“I am not talking about this right now.”

“Because your work building is on fire and the fire department is there and might overhear? It’s all over the news, come have lunch with me.”

“I really can’t do that.”

“Why? It’s not like you’re working, just actively avoiding me.” Itachi hung his head in defeat.

“That’s a full time job. I’ll meet you at that little cafe you like in an hour.”

“It’s a date.”

 

* * *

 

“Sasuke made it sound much juicier than that.” Shisui took a sip of his choco-banana milkshake and grinned at Itachi round the straw. “I need to see a picture of this fireman of yours, Sasuke didn’t seem overly impressed but he likes _blondes_ so his judgement can not be trusted.” Itachi couldn’t help but smile - Shisui liked to act as though he didn’t like the company of blondes but the truth was that he liked it a little _too much_ , lately he’d sworn off them because according to him people have hair the colour of the sun when that’s the only way for them to heat up their dark, cold interiors.

“He’s told you about Naruto then?” Itachi couldn’t help but feel a little surprised - and perhaps slightly insulted - that Sasuke had informed Shisui of his relationship so quickly when it had taken Itachi months to get any kind of recognition.

“We are _not_ changing the topic of this conversation to Sasuke’s love life, but yes he has. I can’t pass judgement until I’ve met the boy but he seems happy I guess.”

“He does. And we need to change the topic to something because I am not discussing this anymore. You know what Sasuke does and that really is the whole story.”

“I don’t know what your fireman looks like though.”

“I think they call it firefighter now, and that’s too bad cause it’s not like I snuck any pictures of him, I’m not a stalker.” Itachi drained the rest of his coke in clear dismissal of the conversation. He always felt lighter after meeting with Shisui - he’d been dealing with a particularly stressful case at work lately, and hadn’t had much time to meet with his cousin. They’d always been close, what with their ages only being two years apart, and the elder boy always knew when Itachi needed some cheering up or some company. When they were younger, Shisui would sneak in through Itachi’s window at night and forcibly spoon him seemingly whenever he felt like it, but Itachi had slowly begun to piece together that these occurrences tended to happen when there had been some sort of downer on his day - one memorable time was the day that Itachi had been called a ‘faggot’ by a boy in class. He had of course violently shown the boy exactly how he felt about that, leading to a stern talking to by his parents and teachers, but Shisui had come climbing through his window and held him, stating ‘I don’t care if you’re gay, you’re my gay and I love you’. Although he had grown significantly more...sensitive in his language (although he did still refer to Itachi as his ‘gay’ when he was particularly drunk), especially once Itachi told him about his sexuality, Shisui had always been very perceptive about people’s feelings from a very young age, something Itachi found quite remarkable and impressive about his cousin, considering he could barely figure out what he himself was feeling half the time. His parents would often come into his bedroom in the morning and find them curled around each other, and occasionally Sasuke would be added into the mix, especially if there had been a thunderstorm that night - even now his little brother would tense up when there was a storm, and back when he had been a child the smallest scare would send him scurrying to Itachi’s room, looking at him with big eyes until he lifted the covers, or sometimes just climbing in while Itachi was asleep.

Sometimes Itachi wished Sasuke had stayed that adorable, sweet faced child instead of the awful, demon brat he was nowadays.

Other days he was just glad he no longer had 4 year olds creeping into his bed when he was sleeping and then waking him up when they pissed all over his leg.

“Well you should have taken a picture, that was very inconsiderate of you.”

“Apologies, I’ll try to be creepier next time I see him and snap a photo for you.” Itachi raised an eyebrow in his cousin’s direction before glancing out of the window beside him (rolling his eyes at Shisui’s muttered “Damn straight”), and quickly looked away and hid behind his menu.

“ _Speaking_ of stalkers, I swear to you that deputy outside has been following me.”

“Ain’t he the one you fucked at last year’s christmas party?”

“A misguided decision. I thought he was staring at me a little too much earlier, I’m scared he wants to skin me and wear my flesh or something.” Shisui wrinkled his nose at the image, and quickly grinned when he caught the eye of the man outside, who promptly made his way inside.

“I’m actually going to kill you. What are you doing?”

“I wanna know if we need to take out another restraining order.” Shisui glanced towards Itachi and wriggled his eyebrows, and Itachi sent him one last glare before turning towards the man whose name he really couldn’t remember.

“Can we help you?”

“Itachi. Hi. Erm, you need to come with me.”

“Why?” Itachi sent a look towards Shisui, who looked like he was enjoying himself far too much for someone whose cousin was about to be killed and cannibalised.

“Well, the fire department got to the cause of the fire and it was purposeful. They think it might have been a personal attack against someone in the building so we’re just interviewing everyone to see if we can compile a list of subjects. Your father sent me to get you.” Of course he did, because Uchiha Fugaku was so oblivious to Itachi’s sex life that he probably thought his eldest son was saving until marriage.

Of course this wasn’t the biggest problem in Itachi’s life right now - he was beginning to remember that big case he was working, which happened to be a prosecution case against a serial arsonist. Wouldn’t that just make his month a hundred times more perfect if somebody were actively trying to set him on fire, although at least this way if his flat decided to spontaneously combust again at some point he could blame it on someone other than himself.

“Are the fire department at the station?” Shisui was a devious little shit when he wanted to be, and this was no exception. He was clearly quite determined to meet Kisame sooner rather than later, and Itachi knew that this was in no small part due to the fact that Sasuke already had - the two tended to treat Itachi’s life as a competition of who could know more about it, which really was rather rude and more than a little annoying.

“Erm, yeah. They’re collaborating with us on the case.”

“ _Excellent_. Well, we shouldn’t keep uncle Fugaku waiting. Let’s go, Itachi.”

“There really isn’t any need for you to come with.” Itachi glared at his cousin with all his worth to no success, receiving only a bright grin in return.

“Nonsense, I need to make sure you’re not in danger from some lunatic.” Itachi was unsure whether Shisui was referring to the deputy or to the arsonist. With a sigh, Itachi threw some money onto the table and stood up, reaching for his jacket and bracing himself for the trainwreck that was to come.

 

* * *

 

“No, father, a police escort is not necessary. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.” Itachi rubbed his forehead tiredly and glanced anxiously at the closed door. He had been forced to leave Shisui unsupervised with the fire department while he took part in his interview, and was now regretting every decision he had made which had led to this moment. His father was currently attempting to force a police guard on him, and Itachi was being forced to keep refusing whilst also being perfectly aware that the longer he argued with his father the longer Shisui was out there doing irreparable damage to his (admittedly already tarnished in relation to the fire crew) reputation.  

“Then you’ll move back home for the time being.”

“That’s completely unnecessary, we don’t even know for sure that I’m the one being targeted. I’ll take a panic button or something.” Fugaku let out a long-suffering sigh, the likes of which could only be coaxed out by a specific kind of person (read: his insufferable sons), and apparently gave up.

“One day I’m going to have a heart attack, and I’ll be sending the medical bill to you. I am aware that you can take care of yourself Itachi, I’m the one who taught you how. If you believe that you aren’t in any danger then I will trust your judgement, let’s all just hope nobody proves you wrong.” A clear dismissal of the conversation, and Itachi was practically jumping for joy - having any form of police escort would have been unbearable, and the thought of moving back home after finally leaving was enough to give him slight shivers.

“If it makes you feel any better, Shisui said that he can stay with me from tomorrow onwards, so I’ll only be alone for tonight.”

“Hm.” A raised eyebrow which, in Itachi’s interpretation at least, translated to ‘Shisui is about as useful as a wet blanket’, and Fugaku rose from his chair and left the room. Itachi followed his lead, and set out to find his troublesome cousin.

Who was currently chatting up some long-haired blonde fireman.

“Shisui.”

“Itachi! All done? Are you in danger of being exploded or what?” Shisui turned to him with a bright grin, and Itachi raised an eyebrow and looked pointedly at the blonde he had been talking to. He received a smirk and a shrug in return.

“According to Hidan and Kisame, he does enough exploding himself to warrant any help.” A voice piped up from behind, and Itachi turned around only to come face to face with a delicate looking red-haired man, who smiled at him in a very creepy fashion.

“ _Kisame_ huh? Where is this Kisame who I have heard absolutely nothing about?” Shisui was about as subtle as a brick wall, but Itachi couldn’t help but praise any god that was listening that Kisame wasn’t present at the police station to meet his cousin.

“He’s with the chief yeah. They’re going over the details of the fire from earlier.” Shisui’s new blonde friend stated, before holding out his hand for Itachi to shake.

“I’m Deidara, this is Sasori.” A hand wave at his red-headed coworker. “Figured we should introduce ourselves, chances are we’ll be showing up at your house cause your fridge exploded or something yeah.” Everyone on the fire squad thought themselves a comedian apparently. Itachi smiled politely but didn’t grace Deidara with a reply - the man clearly already knew who he was, so introducing himself would be a pointless exercise.

“Father believes I might have been the target because of the case I’m working on at the moment, but he’s over reacting. I could do with a drink though.” Itachi widened his eyes a Shisui in an attempt to communicate exactly _how much_ he needed some form of alcohol.

“Excellent. Pub?” This would have been an excellent suggestion, if only Shisui had directed the question at Itachi rather than at Deidara and Sasori.

“Pub sounds absolutely fucking fantastic to me.” Ah, his favourite person. “Kisame! Pub?” Closing his eyes briefly in exasperation and dread, Itachi turned towards the stairs to see Hidan, Kisame and two other firefighters (one of which was presumably the chief) emerging from the doorway.

“You and Kisame are on call tonight Hidan.” The woman had a very calming but authoritative voice, and almost immediately Hidan looked chastised.

“Right. Yeah. Some other time then Sparky.” He flashed a grin at Itachi, who suddenly realised that _he_ was Sparky. Apparently he had a nickname now, what joy. He could hear Shisui giggling behind him.

“That’s too bad. I’ve heard lots about you from Itachi. Both of you of course.” As mentioned before, Shisui was not subtle, and this was said whilst directly looking at Kisame. Itachi resisted the urge to bash his head against the nearest wall, and took a deep breath.

“Gin and tonic. I need one. Now.” He turned, grabbed Shisui’s arm and pulled him towards the exit, trying not to notice the trail of fire fighters following them, and pointedly not looking at Kisame as he passed him on the way out.

If there was one lesson he learned from that night, it was that you should never challenge a female fire fighter to a drinking contest, because you will lose.

Badly.

 

* * *

 

 

Itachi was woken by a muffled bang and a horrific headache. The headache he knew how to deal with immediately, the muffled bang that indicated somebody else was in his flat was not an issue that could be solved by paracetamol and sleep. Standing and cursing himself for not sucking up his pride and accepting his father’s help, Itachi reached under his bed for the baseball bat he had under there and walked slowly towards his door, placing his ear against it and listened to the faint but unmistakable sounds of somebody moving around his living room. He glanced towards his phone on his bedside table, and returned to grab it and call speed dial for the emergency services.

Then, he opened his door with a yank, raised his bat and opened his mouth to give an impressive speech about why this person would regret choosing his apartment to break into.

Only to watch as his front door swung closed. He lowered the bat and spoke into his phone.

“Hi. My flat was just broken into, send the police please.” He gave the operator his address before turning towards his living room in dread. “Best send a fire engine too.”

He remembered who was on call tonight at the fire department and cringed, hanging his head in utter defeat. Then, he looked down at his rubber duck pajamas he had been given by uncle Obito last christmas, which apparently his drunk self was very fond of because that was the only time they were worn, and turned in determination to get changed and not humiliate himself any more than strictly necessary, before seeing that the fire had now spread towards his bedroom and the way was completely blocked.

“God fucking dammit.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everyone laughs at Itachi's misfortune, Kisame has a favourite duck, and this Naruto fanfiction finally has some Naruto.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the lovely reviews, they are much appreciated! You are all awesome!

If asked a week ago when his most embarrassing moment in life was, Uchiha Itachi would have been transported to various times in his 23 years of life, ranging from the time when he was seven years old and quite literally shat himself whilst watching a particularly scary film, the time when he was eleven and he fell into the river whilst on a geography trip, and finally that awful moment at 18 years old when he projectile vomited all over the (incredibly attractive) rugby player that was lying underneath him in bed - it was quite a statement to how charming and attractive the Uchiha heir was that he managed to convince this particular young man back into his bed some weeks later.

If asked now when his most embarrassing moment in life was, Uchiha Itachi would have had no trouble in answering: right this fucking second.

For the fourth time in the past 2 and a half months, there were fire engines outside of his apartment block thanks to him. This time, however, the entire building had been evacuated (at 2 o‘clock on a Saturday morning) and everyone was standing around in various states of undress, most of them either staring in wonder at the flames erupting from his living room window on the third floor, or glaring daggers at Itachi for daring to have his flat broken into and his life threatened. Not that Itachi was playing much attention to other people, seeing as his attention was split between trying not to move as to excite his nausea, and attempting to hide himself from sight any time a particular fireman came into his view. Not that it would help matters much - the damage had already been done, and now he stood in his duck pajamas, surrounded by both the police and fire departments, and wishing the ground would just swallow him whole.

Kisame and Hidan had, as he’d predicted, been the first on the scene. By this time, most of the building was empty, and it was just the very slow and the very old that were still making their way out, most of them meandering as though they were simply on their way to the shops rather than avoiding danger from a burning building. The two firefighters appeared to have taken one look at the scene and immediately called for backup, meaning that within about 10 minutes the entire department was there, although Itachi did take some comfort in the fact that most looked as bad as he felt. In addition to the firefighters, of course, the police were also present, and were not taking it lightly: working in any law department is like having a second family, and being the son of the police captain meant that he had a large amount of overprotective police officers to worry about, let alone when his father turned up himself. As if to make matters worse, it appeared that his father had called around the family, because within seconds of each other Sasuke and Shisui were by his side, both expressing their utmost delight at his outfit of choice, and laughing at his misfortune. This wasn’t helped by the fact that Hidan also burst into peals of hysterical laughter whenever he happened to catch sight of Itachi, although Kisame’s reaction was a little puzzling, he’d just blinked at him a few times before smiling at him as though he were some sort of adorable kitten and walking away. Uchiha Itachi was not adorable: sexy, suave, charming and attractive yes, but adorable no. Kisame seeing him as such was not something Itachi had been aiming for: he found his little brother adorable (sometimes), and considering Kisame already called him ‘kid’ on a regular basis the last thing Itachi wanted was for the man to view him as someone too young for him - or worse, as a younger brother.

“I’m afraid I’m actually going to have to kill you both for not looking as awful as I feel right now.” The three Uchiha turned and came face to face with Deidara, who really did look like he’d been hit by a train. More than once. Sasuke had a slightly puzzled look on his face with made him look like a confused puppy, especially with his wild bed hair (Sasuke’s hair had been the bane of Itachi’s life on the days he was responsible for getting his brother ready for school - it never flattened, even the memorable time a boy in Sasuke’s class poured superglue into his hair in a jealous rage over Sasuke’s test scores).

“Not you cutie, your two demon relatives here. They got me horrifically drunk and I seem to be the only one suffering, yeah.” Seeing Sasuke’s face scrunch in distaste at being called ‘cutie’ bought a substantial amount of happiness to Itachi’s thus far horrible morning.

“Ah, you see we are suffering, but when the Uchiha suffer they look good doing it.” Shisui gave a lecherous wink, slightly ruined by the wince he gave after the movement clearly caused his head some pain.

“The Uchiha look good doing everything, it’s not fair. Sasuke fell out of bed the other day and managed to look graceful doing it, the bastard.” A slight widening of Sasuke’s eyes and Itachi was filled with a sadistic glee - apparently in his haste to make sure his beloved big brother was safe, Sasuke had gotten his boyfriend to drive him here.

“Damn right we do.” A squint in Naruto’s direction. “Who are you?” Shisui glanced between Sasuke and the blonde for a moment before grinning in apparent delight, clearly having worked out the answer to his own question.

“I told you to stay in the car idiot.” Shisui’s face fell at Sasuke’s less-than-affectionate tone.

“It looked so interesting and fun out here! Plus I couldn’t miss a chance to see Itachi in these cute ducky pajamas.” Naruto was clearly not put off by Sasuke’s attitude - it would seem that this was their standard way of communication. “Don’t be such a dick.” A glare and a pout in Sasuke’s direction, prompting an eye roll and a defensive crossing of the arms.

“My pajamas are _not_ cute.” Raised eyebrows all around and Itachi sunk once more into his gloomy mood.

“They actually are really adorable. Little rubber duckies.” There was a poke to one of the ducks on his side and Itachi turned and found himself faced with a chest, which he followed and saw Kisame smiling down at him. It wasn’t really until this moment that the Uchiha noticed just how big Kisame really was - he towered over Itachi, and his bulk would certainly be intimidating to anyone who wasn’t interested in climbing that like a tree. Another poke, this one to his shoulder.

“Cute.”

“Stop poking my ducks.” Itachi scowled and swatted Kisame’s hand away, pointedly ignoring the giggling coming from Shisui’s direction.

“I can’t believe you actually own them.” Naruto grinned at him, a grin which was often capable of lighting up a room, but which at this moment in time was one of Itachi’s least favourite things in the universe. “This is a great day.”

Itachi sniffed disdainfully. “They were a present.”

“He only wears them when he’s been drinking. Intoxicated Itachi goes for the duck pajamas every time. Uncle Obito got them for him and he can’t bring himself to throw them away.”

“Yes, thank you Sasuke. Let’s stop talking about my pajamas now please.”

“Yeah I’m afraid we’re gonna have to.” Even with this statement, apparently Kisame couldn’t help himself and gave one last poke to a particularly bright duck on Itachi’s chest. “This one is my favourite though. Nagato wants to talk to you about what happened.”

“I’m going to the police station in the morning, at about 11. I’ll come by the fire department too.” Itachi was not in the right state of mind (or dress) to be dealing with anything other than a warm bath and bed right now.

“Tomorrow’s his day off. You’ll have to make your report to me.” Itachi was rewarded with a sharp grin, and had to physically restrain himself from smiling stupidly back.

“There’s no fucking way you’re gonna be going back into your apartment tonight, we’ve put the fire out but it’s a complete mess in there. You got somewhere to stay?” Itachi turned to Hidan, for once actually slightly relieved that the man had interrupted a conversation.

“I need to go in there for a change of clothes at least.” This prompted a giggle-snort from the man in front of him, which was not appreciated.

“Judging by the state of your wardrobe and your chest of drawers, any change of clothes you had are now completely ruined. Looks like you’re stuck with….that.” Konan gave him a clearly judgemental once-over.

“ _This_ is all your fault. I only ever put these on when I’m black-out drunk, and that was entirely because of you.” Itachi sent her what he hoped was a scathing look but actually looked more like he was about to throw up all over her shoes.

Which, in a way, would have served her right.

“You didn’t try to keep up with her did you? I’ve never met anyone who can drink like she does, especially considering she’s so _tiny_.” Kisame illustrated his point by leaning an elbow on the (admittedly very short) woman’s head. Itachi was momentarily distracted when this movement caused certain arm muscles to bulge.

“Everyone is tiny if you’re a freakish giant.” Konan raised an irritated eyebrow at Kisame before elbowing him in the gut (seemingly completely ignoring the ‘oof’ this elicited) and turning to Itachi.

“Seriously, you do have somewhere to stay?”

“He’ll stay at home.” Ah, now that was entirely unacceptable. His father always chose the most inopportune moments to enter conversations, and this was completely unappreciated. He could see Sasuke’s face lighting up with glee out of the corner of his eye, just as he felt his own eyes widen in horror.

“Ah, no, not necessary father. I’m going to stay with Shisui. He has a spare room, and lives much closer to work.”

“I also have clothes that will fit you.” Shisui added, with a supportive smile in Itachi’s direction. He wasn’t fooled - he knew the only reason Shisui wanted Itachi to stay with him was because he was currently between lovers and hated going to sleep without someone to cuddle. Normally Itachi refused to be a human teddy bear, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

“If you won’t stay at home then you will take a police escort.” Not even in the most drastic of circumstances would he ever accept that.

“I will not. I’ll be perfectly fine.”

“You said that yesterday and your flat got set on fire while you were in it.”

That was a very good point.

“Well, he’d be stupid to try again wouldn’t he? Honestly father it’s fine, Shisui has that big brute of a dog, I’ll keep him in my room.” Nevermind the fact that Bert was absolutely useless as a guard dog, and that everyone knew Itachi hated dogs (most animals in general really, although he was partial to the occasional cat). If it would keep him from having to move home, he would keep the stupid thing in his room.

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - you boys will be the death of me.” He turned now to a slightly wide eyed Sasuke. “You’ll stay with Shisui tonight as well. I don’t want you driving back at this time.” Fugaku sighed, and rubbed tiredly at his forehead, a habit he had picked up the week after Sasuke had been born, and which he’d never managed to stop.”Your mother will not be happy about this. Hello again Naruto, nice of you to drive Sasuke down tonight, I wasn’t aware you two were that close.” He gave a small smile to the Uzumaki, who grinned back, before turning to leave.

“I expect you at the station at 11 tomorrow and not a moment late, Itachi.”

“Yes father.” The group watched Fugaku walk away.

“Errrrr, your dad totally doesn’t know you two are fucking, yeah.” Deidara addressed Naruto and Sasuke, the former of which started spluttering and blushing.

“You-what-we…” He looked around, before turning to Sasuke, who was avoiding his eyes. He scoffed, before beginning what was apparently an imitation of the youngest Uchiha. “ _Oh Naruto, we can’t tell anyone. Oh Naruto, we have to keep this secret. Oh Naruto, I’m not going to let you tell anyone but I’m going to tell my brother, oh and my cousin, oh and obviously_ the FIRE DEPARTMENT. What the hell bastard?”

“I didn’t _tell_ anyone, they just...figured it out.”

“You told me.” Shisui was ever the helpful cousin.

“You mean I could have been telling everyone we know that I’m boning the hottest guy _ever_ but instead I’ve been keeping my mouth shut because that’s what you’ve wanted but you’ve gone and blabbed to everyone!” Naruto stared in outrage at Sasuke who, in pure Uchiha style, simply shrugged. “You’re impossible.”

“From what I’ve seen and heard, that’s a family trait.” All eyes now turned to Kisame, who smiled and shrugged his large shoulders. “We gotta go finish cleaning up, you lot should probably get some sleep.”

“Yeah, you two lovebirds can finish your conversation-slash-argument-slash-foreplay back at my place. I got a cab here, so Naruto can drive all of us.” Shisui smiled sweetly at Naruto, who stared at him open mouthed for a while before throwing his hands up.

“Whatever.”  He threw one last glare Sasuke’s way before starting to walk. “If you’re not all in the car by the time I’ve put my seatbelt on, I’m leaving you behind.” Sasuke and Shisui immediately perked up and followed the Uzumaki, leaving Itachi behind with the firefighters. He turned to them.

“So, I feel like thanking you for the fourth time is really not going to cut it. You said something about cake?” He looked to Hidan.

“We like chocolate.”

“Chocolate cake it is. I’ll bring it tomorrow.” He glanced quickly at Kisame and saw that he was being watched in amusement. “I really should go, I don’t think that was an empty threat.” He smiled slightly at Konan who was still there, and gave a small nod towards Hidan and Deidara, before turning on his heel and walking towards Naruto’s atrocious orange car.

“I really do like the ducks.” Itachi cringed and flipped Kisame the bird without turning around.

 

* * *

  
  


And so, at half past 10 the next morning, Itachi stood in front of the fire station with what was possibly the largest devil’s food cake he had ever seen. Apparently Naruto had a habit of baking when he was stressed or angry - him and Sasuke had continued their argument for a while last night before Naruto had stormed out of the room, demanded to know from Itachi what kind of cake he wanted to take the fire department, and within 2 hours had made and iced a cake big enough to feed the entire Konoha armed forces. Itachi and Shisui were suitably astounded and impressed, although not as impressed as they were at how high pitched Naruto managed to make Sasuke’s voice go later on in the night when the two made up.

They were noises no big brother should ever have to hear his sibling emit.

Shaking off the disturbing memory (something he planned to repress as soon as he had the brainpower), Itachi walked towards the building in front of him.

Which appeared to be completely empty.

“Hello?” He peered around a few doorways and saw nothing but empty bunks. Great. Now he stood in an empty hallway with a cake bigger than he was (and which was really getting quite heavy), dreading trying to put the stupid thing back in his car. He continued down the hallway and came to a small kitchen, which at least gave him somewhere to put the cake. Now just to find some actual people.

“Is anyone here?” He started to open the closed door, just finding more empty beds. “Hello?” Throwing open another door, he raised his voice in irritation.

“WHAT the ever flying _fuck_?!” A large body fell out of one of the top bunks ungracefully, bouncing on one foot as they landed, and almost crashing into the bed on the opposite side of the room. A bleary eye stared at him confusedly for a while (it’s twin still closed in sleepiness), before widening in recognition.

“Jesus Itachi, scared the shit out of me.” Itachi opened his mouth to reply, but no sound came out due to the fact he just realised that Kisame was, in fact, shirtless. His brain turned off, and the most he could do was stand and stare. He forced his lips to move.

“Cake.” Ah, yes, so eloquent.

“Huh?”

“I bought you cake. Well, not just you obviously, the department. It’s chocolate.” Itachi cringed internally, knowing he was making an absolute fool of himself. Although, considering every other time he and Kisame had met, this was actually the norm: at least he was being somewhat consistent. “Could you...put a shirt on or something?”

“Sure. Am I distracting you?” Kisame grinned, but did turn and pick up his shirt from the floor. “Ready to do the report?”

“That’s why I’m here.”

“Other than cake, right?”

“Right.”

And it really was why he was there. But as it turns out, there wasn’t much to report. Itachi wasn’t exactly an expert in causes of fire (clearly), and there wasn’t really much he could tell Kisame that the man didn’t already know from inspecting the apartment: the fire started in the living room and spread.

“Yeah, that’s pretty much everything we needed.” Kisame looked up at Itachi from behind the desk, and smiled slightly. “You meeting your dad at 11 and not a minute late now right?”

Itachi rolled his eyes and raised his eyebrows. He stood from his seat and turned to grab his jacket from the back of his chair, swirling back to find Kisame was now standing directly in front of him. He blinked and flinched back slightly, causing a small grin in return from the man in front of him.

“Woah there, I’m not gonna bite.”

“I, um,” well, he really wouldn’t mind that to be honest. Kisame’s eyes caught his and held them, causing Itachi’s breath to catch slightly. He could feel a small flush crawl across his cheeks, and he began to fiddle with the jacket in his hands. The tall man’s smile faded, and he leant down towards Itachi, putting their eyes level with each other. Kisame’s eyes looked into his as though searching for something, something which he apparently found because he moved forward, their eyes maintaining contact until Itachi flicked his gaze to Kisame’s lips, licking his own in reflex. The mouth he was currently staring at quirked a little, moving even closer until Itachi had to go cross eyed if he wanted to continue looking at Kisame’s lips. He could feel breath gust over his face, and suddenly his brain kicked in and he realised what was actually happening.

“I…” he moved his face down, closing his eyes and clenching his teeth slightly. “I’m gonna be late. To meet my father.” He spoke in a soft whisper, looking up at Kisame and taking a deep breath. He caught a glimpse of disappointment and what he thought was, but really hoped wasn’t, hurt. Kisame cleared his throat and straightened, a hand going up to rub the back of his head. 

“Yeah, right. I, er, I’ll see you soon.” Itachi literally wanted to hit his head against a wall, he could not believe that after weeks of pining, he’d actually stopped it from happening.

“I um,” he really didn’t know what to say. “I’ll...I’ll see you.” He stepped back and turned towards the door. Glancing back over his shoulder, he threw Kisame a small smile which probably looked more like a grimace.

“Bye.”

Walking away from anyone had felt been so difficult before. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kisame is possessive of cake, Itachi turns back, and Kakashi is irritating as ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was a lot more difficult to write Kisame's perspective than I thought it would be! Thank you all again for your amazing reviews, it's possible every time I get one I smile like a fool for a while.   
> I may or may not be raising the rating on this within the next couple of chapters.

Hoshigaki Kisame was not having a particularly good day. Last night he’d been forced to turn down an invitation to the pub by the most gorgeous guy he had ever met, he had been called at 2 o’ clock in the morning to said person’s blazing apartment, where he just about had a heart attack when he saw how cute Itachi looked in fucking duck pajamas - _ducks_ for god sake - and finally, after being woken up and seeing the dazed look in Itachi’s eyes as he stared at his naked chest, when he actually decided to do something and try to kiss him, he’d been turned down. He’d been turned because Itachi had a meeting with his father.

This wasn’t the first time Kisame had been cock blocked by a police officer, but it was sure as hell the worst. Although maybe the worse thing about it was that Kisame wasn’t actually sure whether that was the truth or just an excuse not to kiss him. Which kinda sucks, cause he’d always been pretty good at reading these things and this wasn’t really a talent he was keen to lose.

It came in pretty handy.

He sighed tiredly and rubbed a hand over his forehead, debating whether he could get another hour of sleep in before Hidan came back and started being the annoying, loud dickhead he had always been. Kisame really hoped Kakuzu would find some excuse to yet again not come into work (yet still get paid of course), because he could not handle Hidan and Kakuzu arguing today. Perking up slightly, he remembered what Itachi had said about cake, and resolved to cheer himself up by eating the whole damn thing before anyone else turned up - not that Kisame is a possessive guy, but he didn’t want anyone else eating something Itachi had made. That shit was his.

So maybe he is slightly possessive. Slightly.

He turned back towards the door and stopped, stunned, at the sight of Itachi standing in his doorway. Kisame was sure the man had left - how long had he been standing there?

“You forget something kid?” Kisame scanned the room quickly for something Itachi might have left behind but came up short. He looked back to Itachi and saw that the man hadn’t moved, and just continued to stare at him. It was getting kinda creepy, Itachi had this way about him that indicated that, tiny and adorable though he was, he could fuck you up in ten seconds if he wanted to. It was probably a massive indicator of how messed up Kisame was that this made him even more attracted to the younger man (the thought of someone like that letting him hold them down and make them beg was really very appealing), but right now he was hoping and praying that he hadn’t offended Itachi to the extent that he would actually murder him.

When Itachi started to move towards him Kisame actually took a step back, cursing himself afterwards for it when it caused Itachi to pause, a slightly amused look crossing his face. Well, what Kisame assumed was an amused look: Itachi wasn’t exactly an open book and he was incredibly difficult to read, although Kisame liked to think he had gotten substantially better at it. From observing Itachi’s interactions with his cousin (and to some extent his brother), with whom Itachi appeared to be able to communicate simply with eyebrows, he knew he had quite a way to go.

“I’m not gonna bite.” Itachi said this with a small, highly attractive smirk. Kisame snorted slightly, scratching at his forehead and scrunching his face in slight embarrassment, before tilting his head and simply considering Itachi. The man looked back for a while before speaking.

“I’m not a coward.” What?

“I...never said you were?” What the fuck was Itachi talking about.

“Good.”  

“Right…” He looked at Itachi with a very confused look on his face, unable to make any kind of connection between what Itachi had said and….well anything really.

“I’m going to kiss you now.” Kisame froze and stared at Itachi, who still _wasn’t moving_ , just staring at him from his position near the doorway. Was this some kind of...imaginary kiss? A virtual kiss? This was all very confusing, especially considering that not even five minutes earlier Kisame had really quite clearly been going for a kiss and been shot down. Deciding it must be some kind of control issue, seeing as how Itachi did seem to be someone who liked to have the control over every aspect of life, Kisame raised his eyebrows at Itachi who still stood staring.

“Okay?” When Itachi gave a quirk of his lips and finally, _finally_ , started moving towards him, it occurred to Kisame between the moment Itachi gave him an irritated look and beckoned him to lean down, and the moment his lips touched Itachi’s and most thought flew away from his brain, that Itachi had been asking _permission_. Permission to kiss him. He couldn’t help but think that there was no way in hell that anyone would ever say no to that. Regardless, it was nice to be asked.

He hummed into the kiss (which was really very conservative and innocent and honestly not at all how he’d imagined his first kiss with Itachi to be) and shifted slightly, the position of leaning down cramping his neck a little. He moved his hands to Itachi’s face (and feeling unsurprised pleasure at how soft his skin was, honestly was it genes or were the Uchiha’s just so rich they could afford to have flawless skin?), tilting the man’s face a little and pulling him to stand on the tips of his feet, deciding that he wasn’t going to be the only one straining himself for this kiss. It also had the added benefit of Itachi moving his hands to Kisame’s shoulders for leverage and balance, although this really didn’t help in the grand scheme of things - why was Itachi so _short_.

Sighing, he broke the kiss, laughing a little at the resistant noise this elicited from Itachi, and at the way the man tried in vain to rise himself high enough to capture Kisame’s lips again. When this failed, Itachi’s eyes opened and he glared at Kisame in a way that was probably supposed to be intimidating but really Kisame found adorable, especially accompanied with the little pout.

“Sit up here.” He patted the desk next to them, seeing Itachi’s eyes flick towards it before frowning.

“You sit there.” Kisame laughed at the suggestion, well more like a demand really, knowing just as well as Itachi that this would solve literally zero of their problems, in fact it would probably make things 100 times worse. He gently picked Itachi up by the waist, which of course prompted much protest, and placed him on the desk, rolling his eyes at the man.

“Accept it.” He grinned at the shocked offence on the Uchiha’s face before leaning in again, waiting patiently for Itachi’s eyes to close before kissing him. One of his hands remained on Itachi’s waist, while the other travelled towards that hair he’d been dying to touch ever since the two men had met. He felt Itachi’s hands gravitate towards his own hair, and he pressed slightly harder into Itachi, deepening the kiss when this prompted Itachi’s mouth to drop open. Kisame caught Itachi’s bottom lip between his teeth and bit down gently, careful with his teeth (which had always been unusually sharp) and revelled in the moan this produced, Itachi arching slightly off the desk and tightening his grip in Kisame’s hair. He grinned against Itachi’s mouth, placing a final peck on those lips before pulling away and opening his eyes, having to briefly close them again almost instantly when the image in front of him caused a rush of lust to flow through him.

Itachi sat with half opened, glazed eyes, his cheeks slightly flushed and his lips reddened and swollen, panting a little. His hair was falling out of it’s ponytail and was framing Itachi’s face in messy strands, causing Kisame to wonder whether he’d been gripping it harder than he’d intended, or whether Itachi’s hair was just so soft that it refused to stay in the hair tie when there was slight disturbance. Either way, he reached out a hand to smooth it down, rubbing slightly at Itachi’s head to ease any ache he might have placed there if he really had tugged it too hard. This action elicited a mysterious smile from Itachi, who reached up to take Kisame’s hand in his, squeezing it and conveying how much he _hadn’t_ minded a slight hair pulling. Regardless, it made Kisame a little uncomfortable that he’d been rougher than intended - he was somewhat concerned that this man he’d only really just met could cause his brain to switch off so much.

Itachi shifted his hips a little, drawing Kisame’s attention to the fact that at some point, Itachi had opened his legs and Kisame was now standing between them. He placed the hand not held by one of Itachi’s onto the other man’s left thigh, his thumb rubbing slightly, causing another small shift in Itachi’s posture, the Uchiha clearing his throat a little.

“Okay, you have to let me go now, before I really am late to meet my father. I don’t want my excuse to be because you were fucking me on a desk that isn’t even yours.” Kisame laughed a little at Itachi’s bluntness, and stepped back (very, very reluctantly). Itachi jumped down from his perch on the desk, tucking his hair behind his ears and sighing when it immediately fell away again. He threw a glare at Kisame, which he kinda figured he deserved, before reaching up and redoing his hair into it’s ponytail in a way that really made Kisame want to mess it up again.

So he did.

Pulling Itachi towards him with an arm around his waist, Kisame brought him flush against him and placed another, considerably more heated, kiss upon his mouth. His hands swept up to Itachi’s hair and, foregoing any pretenses, pulled the hair tie from the other man’s hair, running his fingers through it as his tongue swept into the Uchihas mouth, a groan falling from both of them. It was at this point Itachi seemed to say ‘fuck it’ to himself and ran his hands down Kisame’s chest, pausing at his waistband and pulling a little. Kisame hummed his approval and Itachi moved to his belt buckle, undoing it.

It was at this moment, which both men would remember in clear detail, that Itachi’s already quite cemented dislike for Hidan became concrete.

“CAKE! KISAME, YOUR BOYFRIEND BROUGHT US CAKE.” The two men pulled away from each other and shared a horrified glance, hurrying to straighten themselves as they heard footsteps thundering down the hall towards him, Kisame quickly throwing Itachi his hair tie back. Hidan walked in, a plate of cake in one hand and the biggest knife Kisame had ever seen in the other.

“It’s fucking huge, and it looks home made. I mean I was expecting shop bought cupcakes or some shit, not this.” He took a bite out of the piece of cake, which he hadn’t actually looked away from since he’d walked in, before finally glancing up and catching sight of Itachi and Kisame, his cheeks bulged out from the amount of food in his mouth. Kisame frowned at this, although whether at the unsightly view of chocolatey crumbs around Hidan’s mouth or the fact he was eating _Kisame’s_ cake, he was unsure.

“Sparky, my fuckin’ man! This is amazing.” He shook the plate of cake at Itachi and waved the knife around carelessly.

“Yeah, I didn’t make it.” Oh, well in that case they could eat all they wanted.

“Uhuh, who did?”

“Naruto. Sasuke’s….roommate.” Both Hidan and Kisame squinted at him slightly.

“The blonde that was there last night?” Oh, that one.

“The one who’s smile could make the fucking sun look dull?” Itachi and Kisame turned to Hidan with matching disbelieving stares, who simply shrugged.

“Deidara’s words, not mine. Although surprisingly accurate.” He nodded in a considering manner before smiling and stuffing more food into his mouth.

“Right. I was just leaving, so.” He turned to Kisame with an eyebrow raised, before leaning down to pick up the jacket that had fallen to the floor. He stayed there for a suspiciously long while, before straightening and flashing the two firemen in the room a quick smile and leaving. Once behind Hidan he turned back, looking at Kisame over the silver-haired man’s shoulder and smirking at him.

“Sure, just leaving my ass.” Hidan raised an eyebrow in Kisame’s direction, who frowned questionably (and hopefully innocently) back.

“Your belt is open my friend.” He cackled a little before walking out of the office, telling Kisame over his shoulder that if he didn’t get to the cake soon it would be all gone. Kisame cursed and did up his belt, reaching towards the desk to get his pager when he caught sight of a piece of paper on the chair. He picked it up and grinned, seeing it was one of Itachi’s business cards, his mobile number written on the back. He put the card and the pager in his pocket, and turned towards the door, determined to eat some cake and make this great day even better.

It may not have been made by Itachi, but it was damn good cake.

 

* * *

  
  


The first thing Itachi did when he left the fire station was call Shisui.

“I did a thing, and I don’t know if it was a bad thing or a good thing.”

“Did you fuck him?”

“No.”

“Then it was a bad thing.” Itachi rolled his eyes and juggled his jacket to get his keys out of the pocket, glancing at his watch and swearing when he saw he was already late. Hopefully somebody had gotten murdered or something and his father wouldn’t even be in the office. Uchiha Fugaku did not like to be kept waiting, something he regularly said Itachi and Sasuke failed him at every day since their births, since they had both been born at least a week late. Mikoto liked to point out to him that he wasn’t the one who had to go through 12 hours minimum of labour, which usually shut him up. Of course she only supported lateness because she herself had to be told events were happening two hours before they actually were in order for there to be any chance of her turning up on time.

“You have the day off today right? I’ll tell you about it when I get home, I’m seriously late to meet father.” Getting into his car, Itachi prepared to hang up the phone.

“Wait! At least tell me in short what happened.”

“We made out on the fire chief’s desk. I have to go. Bye.”

“WHAT! Wa-...” Itachi cut his cousin off and put the key in the ignition. His phone started ringing again and he laughed, picking it up.

“Listen, I really do have to go, I’ll tell you about it when I get home.”

“Tell who about what?” The deep voice made Itachi freeze and cringe a little.

“Kisame. Nobody. Nothing. Erm.” A chuckle which made him bite his lip as blood suddenly ran south, and Itachi knew that he was in pretty deep.

“You and your cousin tell each other everything, huh?”

“Well, not everything.” There were a few topics that were out of bounds - Shisui had tried to tell Itachi about the shit he’d taken that morning once, that was definitely something he never tried to share again.

“Sure. Listen, you like pizza?”

“You ever met anyone who doesn’t?”

“Good point. I know a good place.” Itachi waited for more but it never came. He laughed lightly.

“Kisame, are you asking me out on a date?”

“Yeah?”

“You can pick me up from Shisui’s tomorrow at 7. I’ll text you the address.”

“Oh. Bossy. Yeah, tomorrow, sure.”

“You’re not working?”

“Nah, I’ll have my pager with me.”

“Okay. I have to go, my father is going to skin me alive.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll still be cute without your skin.” Itachi wrinkled his nose at both the image and the compliment.

“I am not cute. I’m not.”

“You’re fucking adorable, Uchiha. Deal with it.” Itachi scowled.

“I’m hanging up now. Tomorrow at 7.”

“Tomorrow at 7.” He smiled and hung up the phone, taking a deep breath and attempting to wipe off the smile from his face before he had to go meet his father. He spent the whole drive marvelling at how someone with such big hands (and muscles) could be so gentle when touching him.

He pulled up to the station at twenty past eleven, cursing himself for having a father who had made a living out of knowing when people are lying, because this meant he never believed the excuses Itachi made up. Sasuke was actually better at lying to Fugaku than Itachi ever could be: this was because Sasuke had inherited their mother’s eyes, and nothing could break Uchiha Fugaku quicker than those puppies all round and tearful. Sometimes, when they were younger, Itachi would bribe Sasuke to take the fall for something he had done, seeing as how all Sasuke had to do was cry a little and he would be let off.

That rumour about the youngest child being a master of fake crying was so very true. Sasuke was the most manipulative person Itachi had ever met, and he knew that was in no small part due to him encouraging the behaviour at a young age. Sometimes, Itachi felt like he had raised Sasuke and had more influence on him than their parents ever did.

Steeling himself for a lecture, Itachi opened his car door and walked towards the station doors, only to pause when he spotted a particular silver-haired man sitting on the bench outside, reading his stupid porn books out in the open like the pervert he was.

“Kakashi. What are you doing here?” The man didn’t even look up from his book - Hatake Kakashi was the master of not giving a fuck, and Itachi had always wanted to learn his secret, but never had because the man was too lazy to teach anybody anything.

It was really quite a wonder how he was now a lecturer at Konoha University.

“Hmmmm? They wanted my opinion on a case.”

“Right. What case.”

“Mah, you know I can’t tell you that.” Itachi sighed, irritated as he always was when he spent longer than 10 seconds in the presence of this man.

“Yeah yeah. What time was your meeting.”

“10.” His stupid one-eyed smile.

“Its twenty past eleven.”

“Hmmm? I’ll go in when I’m ready.” Itachi stared at Kakashi for a little longer before rolling his eyes and walking towards the doors.

“Bye Kakashi.”

“Itachi. How’s your uncle?” This time, Kakashi did move his eye from the page in front of him.

“You see him more than I do, you tell me.”

“Mah, he’s angry at me and won’t let me come see him. He slammed the door in my face.” A wide eyed stare which reminded Itachi of the countless stray dogs Kakashi had picked up over the years, undoubtedly that mask was hiding a pout. He rolled his eyes yet again.

“Call him and apologise for whatever you did. You know you’ll get an angry phone call from aunt Rin otherwise, he’s insufferable when he’s moping.” Kakashi, Obito and Rin had one of the weirdest relationships Itachi had ever seen - it was like Kakashi was actually in the relationship with them, but without the sexy parts (well, Itachi hoped without the sexy parts because that was something he never wanted to think about). Whenever Obito and Kakashi got into a fight, which was really more often than anyone could keep up with, the entire family would have to suffer through Obito’s brooding, and Rin had developed a passive aggressive coping mechanism which was downright scary at times.

It always ended with the two being dragged by their ears to talk with each other by Rin, and then she’d force them to cuddle on the sofa for 2 hours to ‘reconnect their bond’ - they weren’t the only two people who had suffered this treatment, one time when Shisui and Itachi had been round Shisui had thrown a pear at Itachi and Rin had made them watch Monsters Inc and cuddle on the sofa for the duration of the film. Of course, Shisui had enjoyed every minute but for Itachi it had been practically unbearable. The pictures were also now used as blackmail, and Itachi couldn't  _look_ at a pear without cringing.

Aunt Rin was terrifying.

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” Kakashi sighed, and turned back to his book. “Bye Itachi, say hello to your adorable brother for me.” Itachi knew for a fact that Sasuke was taking Kakashi’s subject, Criminology, at university, and that he probably saw him more than Itachi did, but decided not to mention this through fear of having to hear about a time Sasuke was mean to the elder man. Lots of people had those stories, he’d sat through too many of them.

He walked through the doors shaking his head, only to once again stop dead.

“Oh my. I believe you are required by law to be at least 30 feet away from me at all times, Itachi.” Well, consider his good mood officially ruined. Although, technically speaking, it was actually the other way round. He just threw the slithery man a glare and kept walking, closing his eyes and suppressing a shiver of disgust when he felt eyes locked on his rear.

“Father, why is Orochimaru here?” Itachi’s first question upon walking into his father’s office.

“He’s the medical examiner, Itachi. He has to be here sometimes.” He looked up at his son. “Did he talk to you? He’s in violation of the order if he did.”

“He’s in violation by being in the same building. It’s fine. Let’s just get this report over with so I can go home and get some more sleep.”

“More sleep? I would have figured you got twenty minutes more than you should have considering how late you are.”

Did he mention that Aunt Rin wasn’t the only passive aggressive one in the family?

The next hour was going to be so much fun.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Orochimaru gets up to his old tricks, a date happens, and Zabuza is a grumpy little shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man this chapter gave me so much trouble! Sorry it took so long, I knew what I wanted to do with it but the words just wouldn't come out!  
> I know I've said it before but I really do appreciate your reviews and kudos!

Itachi woke with an arm around his waist and the intense need to pee. He wiggled a little to judge how much room he had, huffing when the arm around him tightened, and turned his head to look at his cousin. Shisui was asleep with his face buried in the back of Itachi’s neck, something he hated because the feeling of someone breathing on his neck was really uncomfortable, and Shisui _knew it_. Shifting his body slightly, Itachi gently lifted Shisui’s arm from his waist and moved off the bed.

“Hm. ‘Tachi?” Shisui sniffed tiredly and frowned, one eye opening a crack and searching for Itachi in the dark. Itachi moved back to the bed and tucked the covers back up, watching as his cousin smiled and cuddled the pillow Itachi had been using.

“I just have to pee. Go back to sleep.”

“Mmm.” Rolling his eyes at the behaviour of his cousin, Itachi half-walked half-danced to the toilet, pausing on his way back to bed for a glass of water and a mouthful of leftover pasta. He was just crunching down on a biscuit when he looked out the window and painfully inhaled crumbs in shock. He made a mad dash for the light switch, hitting his knee hard against the kitchen table and swearing under his breath. Swirling around to face the window again, he saw...nothing.

“Itachi? Whatcha doing?” Throwing an arm out, Itachi spun around with a jump.

“Woah!” Luckily for the state of his nose, Naruto ducked out of the way of Itachi’s arm as it flew towards his face, staring at Itachi in offense and disbelief once he’d straightened.

“What the hell?!”

“Sorry. You startled me.”

“Yeah, I see that. Are you okay?” Itachi turned to look out the window again, frowning.

“Fine. I thought I saw…” He snorted. “Nothing. I’m seeing things.”

“Seeing what?” Both boys turned towards the voice and saw a sleepy looking Sasuke standing in the doorway, rubbing his eyes and glaring darkly at Itachi, presumably for waking him up. Sasuke and Naruto had decided to stay at Shisui’s for one more night before heading back to university - apparently Naruto enjoyed it here, even when uncle Obito had come round earlier in the evening to cry on everyone about how awful Kakashi was, and how his and Rin’s children loved Kakashi more than they love him.

Uncle Obito had always had a flair for the dramatic. It’s where Shisui inherited it from.

“Nothing. I’m just tired.” Itachi smiled at his younger brother, who really was the picture of adorable brat right now (an opinion which was clearly shared by Naruto who hadn’t taken his eyes off him since he’d turned up), and shrugged. As if on cue, Bert started to bark from the living room, drawing the attention of everyone including Shisui, who suddenly shot out of the bedroom and into the living room. The others followed, watching as the dog growled a little at the window before turning to the humans and wagging his tail.

“What _did_ you see, big brother?” Sasuke was looking at him out of the corner of his eye, the rest of his attention fixed on the window.

“Erm, I thought I saw Orochimaru outside the kitchen window staring at me.”

“You saw WHAT.” Shisui had turned to look at him in disbelief, sleepiness long gone in favour of confusion and irritation.

“He wouldn’t do that right? I mean he’s creepy but not...that creepy.” Even as he said it, it was obvious Sasuke didn’t believe a word he was saying.

“Itachi got a restraining order against him when he woke up in his bedroom, in his house, with Orochimaru standing over him with a scalpel in his hand.”

“Holy fucking shit _what_?” Naruto was looking at Itachi like this was the best news he’d ever heard, really quite an inappropriate reaction for what he’d just been told, before laughing a little.

“Some dude broke into your house and what, tried to perform surgery on you?”

“I think he was more there to stare at me than to see what my internal organs look like. Well, that’s what I tell myself to feel better.” Itachi was keeping his eye on the window still, hoping beyond hope that he really had been seeing things, and that Bert was just crazy (given the dog’s track record, the possibility of this was actually quite high).

“What did you do?”

“Broke his nose and stabbed him in the leg with the pair of scissors I kept on my bedside table.”

“Woah.” Naruto edged away from Itachi slightly, before making a quick glance towards the front door and moving back to where he’d began, actually moving closer to Itachi than he had been before.

“You hear that? Outside the door?”

“Stop trying to freak everyone out idiot.” Sasuke was clearly the bravest of the lot - as Shisui inched closer to Itachi and pulled Bert with him, Sasuke moved towards the door and looked out the peep hole. He stood there for a long while before sighing.

“There’s nothing there. There is nobody _anywhere_ , there never was. The dog is stupid and Itachi is crazy. I’m going back to bed.” He looked at Naruto, who had pressed himself against an irritated looking Itachi, and glared. “You sleep on the sofa.”

“Whaat? But it’s scary out here, there’s people in the garden.”

“There is NOBODY anywhere. I’m not sleeping in a bed with you, I remember that time you watched Paranormal Activity and jumped out of bed every ten minutes because ‘something touched you’.” As if on cue, the doorbell rang, making everyone in the room jump and Naruto actually let out a scream and threw his arms around Itachi, squeezing him tightly. Even Sasuke stepped away from the door, eyeing it in what looked like distrust but was actually fear.

“Look out there again.” Shisui reached a foot out and prodded Sasuke in the butt with it.

“Fuck off. You look out there.” Itachi sighed.

“Whoever it was, they’re hardly going to ring the doorbell and ask to be let in. They probably left something on the doorstep.”

“How do you know that? They might be out there with a machete.” Itachi looked at Naruto, ignoring his brother’s muttered "stop watching horror films moron".

“I have...some experience with stalkers.”

“What he means by that is that he has had three stalkers in his lifetime, four if you count the guy who set his apartment on fire.” Shisui stated matter-of-factly, nodding his head in agreement when Sasuke added:

“And that’s just the ones we know of.” Naruto blinked at them, his eyes narrowing in speculation as he gave Itachi a once-over.

“To be fair, I kinda get it. Like, you’re someone I can see other people stalking.” Itachi paused in his (slow and hesitant) walk towards the door, looking back over his shoulder at Naruto.

“You know what I mean.”

“No, I don’t, but I’m also not going to try to.”

“Probably for the best, nothing he ever says makes sense.”

“Fuck you asshole!” Itachi shushed them as he reached the door, peering out and seeing nothing that would warrant suspicion. He opened the door and hesitantly stepped outside, looking down and seeing one sunflower on the floor in front of him.

“Sunflowers. They’re your favourites.” Shisui knelt down to pick up the flower, offering it to Itachi.

“Not anymore.” He looked at the flower in his hand, considering it, before throwing it back into the front garden. Not that Orochimaru was really one that needed encouraging, but Itachi had found out from his first experience in these things that accepting gifts like these would lead to an increase in behaviour.

“But why would he start again now? If it is Orochimaru, why would he do this shit now, he’s left you alone since the restraining order.”

“I saw him today, at the police station.” Shisui groaned.

“What the _hell_ Itachi. You gotta tell me these things.”

“I didn’t think it was a big deal, he made a creepy comment but that was to be expected. I didn’t think he was this stupid.”

“Well, you were wrong.”

“Yeah.”

 

* * *

  
  


Through sheer determination, Itachi did not let the prospect of Orochimaru taking up his old habits to faze him, and spent the day working from home, before getting ready for Kisame to come get him at seven (he did have a small dent in his plans when his mother called and reminded him that he’d agreed to have dinner at home that night - he got out of it by claiming ‘important prior engagements’, which hopefully he would get away with so long as Sasuke kept his mouth shut).

Kisame came to pick him up on a motorbike. Itachi stood on the side of the road and just stared for a little while, both at how good Kisame looked in that leather jacket and at the fact he was apparently expected to get on the bike. Itachi did not have good experience with any form of bike, and the thought of getting on one with an engine was enough to give him the slight shakes. Although he supposed this situation was substantially different from the time when the family had gone camping and an eight year old Itachi had ridden straight into a ditch filled with blackberry bushes, a screaming three year old Sasuke in the seat behind him.

“You don’t expect me to get on that.” He stared at Kisame, who grinned and held out a helmet for him to wear.

“Don’t worry kid, I won’t let you fall off.” Itachi took the head gear warily, eyeing the bike in speculation. He fidgeted with the helmet in his hands a little before taking a step towards Kisame, who chuckled and reached out an arm, reeling him closer and planting a surprisingly affectionate kiss onto the top of his head, making Itachi tense and his nose wrinkle slightly. He glanced up at Kisame and frowned, making the large man laugh as he released the Uchiha.

“Just climb on. I’ll go slow, the restaurant isn’t far.” Itachi sighed in defeat and placed one foot on the stand provided, making an aborted motion to swing his other leg over before placing a hand on Kisame’s shoulder for leverage. Once settled he put on the helmet, then tried to decide where to put his hands.

“Put them round my waist. If you hold onto my shoulders you’ll pull me with you when we turn.” Itachi followed these instruction, his arms not quite reaching all the way around Kisame thanks to the man’s bulk. Kisame turned and knocked their heads together slightly, before starting the bike up, causing Itachi to tighten his arms and squeeze his eyes shut.

True to his word, it took them a little under ten minutes to reach the restaurant, which was a small pizza place in the middle of the city. Itachi contemplated the building as he removed the helmet, smoothing his hair down when he felt it sticking up with static. From the outside it didn’t look much different from every other small restaurant down the street, but the smells coming from the inside were more than enough to convince Itachi that he wanted to eat there.

“You’ve eaten here before?” Itachi made his way towards the door, glancing back at Kisame in time to see his eyes rise up his body, making Itachi feel somewhat glad that Shisui’s clothes really did fit him well.

“Yeah. My friend owns the place.”

“Oh?” Itachi’s eyebrows rose, and he reached out for the door to pull it open. The heat that came from within was warm and comforting, and Itachi knew he would have to introduce Sasuke and Shisui to this place.

“Kisame! It’s been too fucking long you dick, where have you been.” A man who looked to be around Sasuke’s age, with silvery blue hair and strikingly purple eyes (which Itachi assumed were contacts) came over and slapped Kisame on the back, before glimpsing Itachi.

“Who’s the hottie?” Itachi blinked in affront, frowning slightly at Kisame when he laughed.

“This is Itachi. Itachi, this is Suigetsu. He’s an old acquaintance.”

“When he says that, he means we grew up together.” Suigetsu reached out a hand to shake, smirking at Itachi slightly when he looked a little shocked at this news.

“Suigetsu grew up in the same orphanage as I did, not at the same time obviously. I used to go visit every once in a while.” Kisame smiled a little at Itachi, who returned the gesture.

“You got a younger brother or something I can hit up?” This question from Suigetsu prompted a small laugh from Itachi, who couldn’t help but wonder what Sasuke’s reaction would be if he’d heard that.

“Suigetsu you brat, go set us up a table and stop harassing him.”

“Alright alright jeez, should I tell Zabuza you’re here?”

“Yeah, and Haku if he’s here.”

“Ah, Zabuza’s in one of his moods, told Haku he had to stay at home today. I still don’t fucking understand their relationship.”

“Nobody does.” Kisame waved Suigetsu off once him and Itachi were seated, smiling apologetically at Itachi once they were alone.

“Sorry about him, he’s a good kid but can be a little overbearing.” Itachi smiled slightly, telling Kisame it was fine before picking up a menu, only to have it plucked out of his hands.

“We don’t order from the menu here, tell me what you like.” Itachi eyed the menu in Kisame’s hand, debating whether or not he’d be able to snatch it back without looking like a fool.

“If you let me look through a menu I’d be able to tell you what I like.”

“It’s a pizza place, it’s got what you expect from a pizza menu. I normally ask Zabuza to surprise me, but you gotta let him know what you do and don’t like.” Itachi sighed in defeat, eyeing Kisame in a way that clearly showed he was displeased, but willing to play along for the moment.

“I like mushrooms, and most meat, but I hate seafood and can’t understand why anyone would ever put fruit on a pizza.” Sasuke’s favourite type of pizza was Hawaiian, and Itachi hated it every time his little brother ordered it.

“Okay, mushrooms and meat. You like olives?”

“Only the black ones.”

“Uhuh, sweetcorn?”

“Not on pizza.” Kisame nodded, but Itachi noticed he wasn’t actually looking at him. Turning in his seat, his face almost collided with that of the man behind him, who looked at him out of the corner of his eye. The two stared at each other for a small while before Itachi’s left eye twitched, expressing his irritation.

“This is Zabuza, he’s antisocial, but really good in the kitchen.” When Kisame said this, Zabuza grinned toothily in a way which seemed more like an expression of murderous intent than any degree of happiness.

“You allergic to anything?”

“No.”

“Good.” The man nodded at Kisame and left, presumably to the kitchen, and Itachi turned with a raised eyebrow towards Kisame.

“Another acquaintance?” Kisame laughed.

“Yeah, that one I really did grow up with.” Itachi nodded, accepting that Kisame probably wouldn’t want to go into much more detail. From then on things ran relatively smoothly, Suigetsu would come and harass them whenever he had a free moment, but was actually quite good at keeping their drinks refilled (they had agreed on non-alcoholic, seeing as how Kisame was driving and Itachi was still nursing his wounds from the last time he’d been drinking). The food was delicious, although Itachi did wrinkle his nose at first when he spotted the prawns on Kisame’s pizza, once he’d been persuaded to try it he found he did quite like it, although not enough to convert him into a seafood lover. They continued to make small talk, and Itachi brought the topic back around to Zabuza.

“Who’s Haku?” Kisame paused in his eating to glance at Itachi, humming in thought.

“Haku is Zabuza’s…something.”

“Something?”

“Well, Zabuza refuses to admit there’s anything more, but Haku looks at him like the sun shines out of his ass, and everything he does is in some way to make Zabuza happy.”

“That...doesn’t seem healthy.” Kisame laughed.

“It’s not. But, Haku’s happy that way so we leave him to it. I tried to intervene a while back but all I got for my efforts was a knitting needle to the ankle.” Itachi laughed quietly.

“He seems like somebody I’d like to meet.”

“Oh, he is. Everyone loves Haku, never met anyone who doesn’t. Ain’t that right.” Itachi glanced sideways to see that Zabuza had once again managed to sneak up on him, and was standing leaning against their booth and looking unimpressed at Kisame.

“Whatever you say.” He turned to address Itachi. “You like sweet things?”

“Yes.” The dessert was Itachi’s favourite part of a meal - in the past, him and Sasuke had been known to trade off starter courses and desserts, as Sasuke didn’t really like sweet things, and Itachi himself wasn’t a massive fan of savoury foods.

“Hm.” The other man continued to look at him, as though Itachi’s face held some clue as to what pudding he’d like.

“Creme brulee. I want the creme brulee.” Kisame spoke in an authoritative voice.

“You’ll have whatever I fuckin’ get you.” With that, Zabuza turned and went back to the kitchen.

“He doesn’t do that for all his customers, does he?” Kisame laughed heartily at this, his face crinkling with his smile, his lips pursing at the end in a way that almost caused Itachi to jump across the table and kiss him.

“Nah, we’re special.” Itachi grinned a little, turning back to his pizza. In the end, Kisame did get his creme brulee (“See, I knew you loved me deep down inside.”), and Itachi was served some mixture of lemon meringue pie and cheesecake which he practically inhaled it was so good. Itachi flat out refused when Kisame tried to pay the whole bill, insisting they at least split it if Kisame wouldn’t let him pay. On their way out the door, they were heckled by Suigetsu telling them to ‘get some’, and Kisame swore at him even as he jokingly promised to get him Sasuke’s number.

“So.” They were back at the bike, Kisame leaning back against it as Itachi stood in front of him, the protective helmet back in his hands. “I can take you home, or we can go for ice cream or waffles or something.” Kisame cleared his throat and scratched the back of his neck, his body language just screaming awkward.

“Or, I mean, I have coffee back at my place. You can come and, have some. I’ll drop you home afterwards and stuff. Er.” Itachi decided to put the poor man out of his misery.

“Coffee sounds good.” He smiled at Kisame and made a motion to get onto the bike, Kisame kicking into action and straddling it himself.

“Coffee.” He started the bike and Itachi’s arms went round him, actually feeling curious now about getting to see where Kisame lived.

Itachi was pleasantly surprised when they pulled up to a small, cosy looking house. As Kisame drove them into the garage, he explained that this was a house left to him by his parents, which he inherited when he turned eighteen. Itachi nodded and rested fully against Kisame’s back, missing the warmth it provided when Kisame moved and got off the bike.

“Come on.” Leading the way, Kisame walked towards the door on the side of the garage which lead into a decent sized kitchen.

“The living room’s through there. Go sit and I’ll make us coffee.” Itachi followed Kisame’s gesturing arm and went through the door, entering a small, cosy room with a couple of sofas and a TV, which he turned on and flicked through the channels while he waited for Kisame to come out, looking around himself curiously and wondering if it would be rude to explore the rest of the house. He presumed he’d have plenty of time to see it later, but didn’t want to make any assumptions - it was entirely possible Kisame really had invited him here only for coffee.

“Here.” Itachi took the mug he was being offered and smiled in thanks, setting it down on one of the coasters on the glass table in front of him before making room for Kisame on the sofa next to him.

“What are we watching?” Kisame’s arm came round him, expertly balancing his coffee while he swung it around Itachi’s shoulder, and he settled onto the sofa, Itachi pressed against his shoulder comfortably.

“Hm. There’s a horror film about killer zombie beavers, or the Spanish soap opera.” Kisame chuckled, reaching for the remote and considering his choices.

“Killer beavers it is.” Itachi huffed a laugh and settled more fully into Kisame’s side, giving a faint smile when the elder man turned to look at him, tilting his head to show he was open to the kiss being offered.

What started as just that, an innocent kiss, somehow evolved into Itachi straddling Kisame’s lap, his hands buried in the other man’s hair as Kisame made himself familiar with the curve of his ass, the other hand still curled around a quickly cooling coffee mug. With an annoyed grunt, Kisame broke the kiss and leaned forward to place his mug on the table, Itachi being forced backwards with the movement, placing his arms around Kisame’s neck so he wouldn’t fall, laughing a little. Kisame pulled back a little to contemplate Itachi, shifting and twisting them until the Uchiha was laying on his back on the sofa, his legs still cradling Kisame’s hips. Itachi looked up at the fireman with a small, seductive smile on his face, making Kisame groan and practically fall into him, burying his face in Itachi’s neck and placing little nips there.

Itachi reached one hand up to once again grip Kisame’s hair, his eyes falling closed and mouth falling open a little, his other hand moving to stroke down Kisame’s spine, pausing at the man’s lower back and pushing to encourage some movement, arching his own hips up and making them both sigh a little in pleasure. As Kisame’s hips began to move more confidently, his small nips on Itachi’s neck evolving into sucks and bites, Itachi began to breath heavier, both hands moving to Kisame’s hair, to his shoulders, his waist and finally his ass. When Kisame shifted to position himself so he was poised over Itachi, the Uchiha reached up and pulled him down for another kiss, arching up and moaning when Kisame’s hand went down to squeeze him through his jeans.

Kisame kissed his way back down to Itachi’s neck, moving towards his collarbone as his hand began to unfasten Itachi’s trousers. Itachi hummed his approval and opened his eyes into slits, closing them only for them to shoot back open a moment later.

“Kisame.”

“Mmmm.” Kisame took the (admittedly slightly moaned) expression of his name as a sign of pleasure, and slipped his hand under Itachi’s jeans, making him groan loudly.

“Kisame.” He pushed on Kisame’s shoulders until he got the message, stopping all movement and looking at Itachi’s face.

“You okay? You wanna stop?” Kisame was looking at him in concern, and Itachi frowned.

“No, I don't.”

“Oh.” As Kisame made a motion to continue where he’d left off, Itachi pushed his shoulders once more.

“I don’t want to stop. But I think your kitchen is on fire.” Kisame twisted in his position to face to kitchen door, gaping at the smoke.

“What the fuck?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In other news the trouble this chapter gave me did give me time to start other things, and I am currently hashing out plans for a KisaIta Jurassic World AU.  
> And the narusasu story for this world, I've written the first chapter for that too.  
> I didn't know whether to raise the rating for this chapter but didn't think it really warranted it - the rating will go up eventually though.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Itachi and Kisame put out a fire, everyone is called to investigate and Sasuke falls victim to two cuddle monsters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait - I recently started watching One Piece and have become so addicted I've forgotten about everything else!

“You are literally fucking jinxed.” Kisame gave one last, valiant effort with the fire extinguisher before slumping in defeat, watching as the flames devoured the curtains covering the kitchen window before dying out. He turned and jabbed a finger at Itachi. “ _Jinxed_.”

Itachi didn’t turn from where he was methodically throwing glasses of water over the smouldering remains of what had once been his favourite jacket, and just snorted at Kisame’s assessment. Flicking his gaze upwards he saw the wooden beams on the ceiling had somehow managed to catch fire and were slowly covering them with ash. Frowning, he tugged on Kisame’s sleeve until he too looked up and began swearing, directing the spray of the extinguisher upwards and only really succeeding in covering them both in the foam. Sighing, Itachi turned to the other man with a glare.

“What kind of a firefighter doesn’t have some kind of fire warning system?” Kisame tutted in offense and nodded his head towards a white box on the ceiling.

“I do, that’s a smoke detector.” Itachi gazed unimpressed at the contraption, raising an eyebrow at Kisame.

“It wouldn’t stop beeping so I took the batteries out.” Kisame reluctantly admitted this while staring intently at a small, rectangular box sitting on his window sill he didn’t ever remember seeing before.

“You mock me for setting things on fire when I’m cooking, but you can’t even make coffee.” Kicking cautiously at the charred remains of what looked like a bag of potatoes, Itachi watched in interest as it disintegrated into dust at the touch of his shoe. He looked up and saw that Kisame was still frowning at the object on his window sill, so went to stand next to him.

“What are you looking at?”

“I dunno.” Kisame straightened his back a little and tilted his head, as though the change in angle would help him to work out what he was staring at.

“Looks like one of those small petrol cans.” Kisame frowned in contemplation at Itachi’s suggestion before his eyes widened in realisation, reaching forwards to take the can and smelling it.

“Yep, it’s gasoline.” Pulling the can away from his face and wrinkling his nose in distaste at the lingering smell, he peered through the window and reached into his pocket for his phone. “Someone set my kitchen on fire.”

“Welcome to my life.” Itachi sighed and looked around himself. “It was probably one of my stalkers.” Kisame hummed distractedly in agreement before glancing at Itachi in astonishment.

“ _One of_? There’s more than one.” It was less of a question and more of a statement, reaching up a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose he muttered ‘of course there is’ under his breath. Of all the ways Kisame had imagined this date would end this was not one of them: standing in the middle of his smoke filled kitchen, calling his boss and trying not to freak out that this man he’d just been on a date with had more than one stalker at a time.

As Kisame spoke to Nagato on the phone, Itachi tried to decide whether or not to call his father: honestly, at first he’d considered this not much more than a nuisance, but now Kisame’s house had been set on fire (although admittedly not as spectacularly as Itachi’s apartment had been) and he felt like this called for more serious actions. The only thing holding him back was knowing his father had been right all along about getting him protection and about him being more careful, not to mention if he did call his father there would be the awkward situation of having to explain to him what he was doing at Kisame’s house in the first place.

Thankfully, he was saved from this decision by his phone ringing.

“Shisui, you are not going to believe what’s happened.” Foregoing any pleasantries, Itachi answered the call from his cousin and started to brush the ash out of his hair.

“Do tell dear cousin, was it that good?”

“ _Well_ …what?” Itachi paused in his excited storytelling to frown, before he realised what Shisui was asking. “Oh, no that’s not-”

“No? That’s disappointing.”

“ _No_ , we-”

“Seriously, cause he’s got that whole big shoulders thing going on and I thought-”

“Shisui I did not have sex with Kisame!” Kisame paused in his muttering with Nagato to shoot Itachi a bewildered look at his raised voice, raising an amused eyebrow and mouthing ‘yet’ to him before turning back to his own phonecall. Itachi felt his lips twitch into a small smile in return.

“Why not? Where are you then, you didn’t come back so I assumed you were making me proud and getting laid.” Itachi pointedly ignored the idea that him having sex would in any way make Shisui proud and sighed into the phone.

“His kitchen set on fire.” There was a pause from his cousin before a cackle exploded down the line, making Itachi cringe and hold the phone away from his ear from the volume of it. As Shisui continued to laugh at his expense, Itachi glanced over at Kisame and saw that he was no longer talking and was actually eyeing Itachi’s phone up like he wanted to throw it out the window. From experience Itachi knew that this was a perfectly normal reaction to his cousin sometimes and just shrugged at the large man, looking at Kisame’s phone questionably.

“They’re on their way.” Itachi internally cringed at the idea that the whole fire department might turn up, but outwardly just gave a small smile and a nod. Realistically he knew that there would be no way to avoid this situation: just like the police department, the fire crew were a close knit group and an attack on one was an attack on all. That didn’t stop him from wondering whether there would be any way for him to sneak away so he didn’t have to face them all.

“How the fuck did you manage that.” Blinking in surprise, Itachi realised he’d forgotten that his cousin was on the phone. He scowled and glared at the phone uselessly.

“I didn’t do it. Someone set it on fire.”

“Someone meaning you.” It would appear that Shisui was in a particularly irritating mood tonight.

“ _No_ , probably my stalker.”

“Why would Orochimaru set Kisame’s kitchen on fire, it seems more his style to, I dunno, carve him open for daring to touch you.” Rolling his eyes, Itachi reached for his charred jacket and patted the pockets hoping to find his wallet in one piece, admitting defeat to the world when all he found was the shrivelled corner of a bank card.

“Not him the other one, the one who set my apartment on fire.” Itachi ignored Kisame’s disbelieving muttering and walked back into the living room, deciding there really wasn’t anything else he could do in the kitchen other than contaminate any evidence there might be in there. Apparently Kisame drew the same conclusion because he followed him onto the sofa, both of them sitting with almost simultaneous sighs.

“Oh, makes sense. I’m glad it was Kisame’s house and not mine.” Shisui paused and seemed to be talking to someone else. “Obito wants to know if you need picking up, I drunk too much at dinner to drive but he’s fine.”

Itachi remembered the family dinner and wondered whether Shisui was still at his parents’ house, but decided this probably wasn’t accurate considering the late time. More often than not after a family get together Shisui, Sasuke and Itachi would go back to Obito and Rin’s for a less formal occasion, normally staying there when the drinking got a little out of hand. Itachi let his head fall back until it rested on the top of the sofa and closed his eyes, cracking open his left eye and looking to Kisame when a large hand rested on his knee.

“I think I need to call father and let him know, it’s getting a little out of hand.” He spoke both to Kisame and Shisui, turning his gaze to the ceiling when he got a nod from Kisame in reply.

“Yeah, I think you probably should. Tell me the address anyway so I can be there to witness it.” Itachi snorted and reached out a hand to smack Kisame on the chest. He pointed to a letter he could see on the coffee table and made grabby hands towards it, making Kisame roll his eyes and give him an unimpressed look, knowing the letter would be just as easy for Itachi to get. He leaned forward and passed the letter to Itachi anyway, shaking his head at himself. Itachi smiled at him and read out the address to Shisui, rolling his eyes at whatever his cousin replied and finally hanging up the phone. Huffing out a breath, Itachi turned his head towards Kisame and saw the other man mirroring his position.

“I’m sorry.” Kisame raised an eyebrow and grinned softly at him.

“It’s not your fault you attract crazy.” He reached out a hand and tucked a strand of hair behind Itachi’s ear, frowning when he saw the amount of ash covering the normally very well-groomed man. Itachi laughed a little and fiddled with his phone, trying to put off the inevitable.

“You gonna call Fugaku?” Itachi pouted in denial but heaved himself into a seating position, glancing at his phone and nodding. He turned back to Kisame and smiled before standing and leaving the room, going in the direction of the bathroom he could see at the end of the hallway. Dialing the phone, he glanced into the other rooms as he passed them and saw a study and what seemed to be a guest bedroom: the door to what was presumably Kisame’s bedroom was disappointingly closed. As he brought his father up to speed on the situation and gave him Kisame’s address, avoiding his father’s questions about whose house it was and deciding he’d rather have that particular conversation face to face, Itachi started to wash the worst of the ash from his face and arms, declaring his hair as a lost cause until he managed to get into a shower.

Once his father stated that he was on his way, and Itachi finally deemed his appearance somewhat acceptable, he wandered back to the living room and paused at the doorway, seeing Kisame asleep on the sofa in a very awkward and uncomfortable position. Rolling his eyes, he walked over and sat on the armchair, deciding to let Kisame sleep for a while. Closing his eyes, he let his thoughts wander until he also drifted to sleep.

 

* * *

 

Someone was talking to him - he could hear the noise but couldn’t make out the words. Frowning, Itachi dragged himself into full consciousness and opened his eyes a fraction, jolting back and cursing when he saw how close Hidan’s face was to his. Scowling at the fireman, Itachi stretched and looked around himself, seeing Konan sitting on the sofa next to Kisame and writing down whatever he was saying, while the sounds of the rest of the crew drifted to him from the kitchen.

“Morning sleeping beauty! We were gonna let you sleep but then your whole fucking family turned up so we decided to wake you.” Hidan grinned at him and turned to glance at Kisame over his shoulder, who was watching them in both amusement and concern for his partners wellbeing - Itachi was not a pleasant person when woken and the look on his face would have scared any lesser person away.

“When he says the whole family, he’s exaggerating.” Itachi turned and saw his brother standing next to the chair, looking down at him with an unimpressed look. Looking past Sasuke, Itachi could see Shisui and Rin standing with Sasori and listening to whatever he was saying, while the unmistakable sound of Obito’s voice rang through the house from his position outside the front door, where he was talking to Kakashi. One of his father’s deputies walked out of the kitchen and went to sit on Kisame’s other side, presumably to get the story for police records, and Itachi assumed his father was inside the kitchen himself.

Itachi rubbed at his forehead and stood, ruffling his brother’s hair and yawning. Sasuke dodged his hands and frowned, before letting out an angry sound when he was pushed from behind to let his uncle through and into the room.

“Itachi! I’m so glad you’re okay!” Itachi was pulled into a tight hug, held there for a long time until Rin decided to come rescue him, smiling kindly at him as she pinched Obito’s ear painfully. Rin’s ear pinching was her not-so-secret weapon, and it was a good one - there had been many times over the years when she’d needed to use it not only on Obito and Kakashi but on various other family members and even strangers, and the only person Itachi had seen who had been able to resist it had been uncle Madara, who Itachi suspected only managed to do so because he was certifiably insane.

“Son, you and I need to have a talk about you accepting that your father is always right.” Fugaku walked into the living room and towards Itachi, an unimpressed look spookily similar to the one Sasuke had worn only a moment ago on his face. Hearing Sasuke shift and snigger behind him made Itachi’s face twitch in annoyance, but he did have to admit that in this circumstance his father had indeed been right.

“When did you and Kisame become such good friends?” Resisting the urge to facepalm, Itachi opened his mouth and prepared to calm his father but was interrupted by a loud scuffle from the kitchen.

“Captain! We found him, he was in the neighbours garden!” Everyone in the living room shot towards the kitchen, Kisame somehow managing to move faster than everyone else despite his size and getting there first, seeing an ordinary looking, middle aged man held between two police officers, glaring around himself before snarling when he caught sight of both Itachi and Kisame, clearly unimpressed with the lack of damage he could see on them. Fugaku turned towards Itachi.

“Is this the man you’d been building a case against?” Itachi frowned and shrugged.

“I never saw him.” Fugaku sighed and turned back to the arrested man, taking in his appearance and concluding that this probably was the perpetrator. He addressed the two officers holding him.

“Take him to the station, the rest of us will stay here and collect evidence. We’re going to need it to prove it was him.” The police team nodded and set out to do as told, when one of the officers yelled out an exclamation just as the arrested man’s right side went up in flames and he lunged in Itachi’s direction. Itachi’s arm was grabbed quickly and he was pulled to the left and out of the way by Hidan as the arsonist was tripped from behind and a foot stomped on his back, holding him to the floor as Deidara threw a fire blanket over him and smothered the flames. Everyone stood there and gaped.

“What the actual fuck.” Obito had swung an arm over Sasuke’s shoulders and roughly pulled the younger man towards him to avoid Sasuke being caught on fire from his position at Itachi’s side, and Obito was now clinging to Sasuke as though afraid to let him go, something which surprisingly Sasuke wasn’t objecting to - probably because he was too busy staring in wonder and surprise at the scene before him.

“I think the appropriate question, uncle, is _why_ the fuck. Or possibly how.” Shisui had a dramatic hand over his heart as he spoke, but he was glaring darkly at the man lying on the ground, angry that someone had tried to hurt his cousin so blatantly. Itachi himself was still leaning against Hidan, his mouth open and gaping.

“You okay?” A gentle hand came down on his right arm and he turned to look at Kisame, who was studying him in concern. Itachi nodded in reply and patted Hidan’s shoulder in thanks, who grinned at him. Kisame nodded and moved away, past Itachi and into the kitchen, where he opened the windows and let the fresh smoke roll out into the open air - unfortunately this couldn’t get rid of the smell, which closely resembled the time his mother had accidentally burned the roast pork (which of course they’d all been forced to eat anyway: making the connection to this situation made Itachi feel more than a little nauseous).

“I think you owe me more cake.” Itachi rolled his eyes and snorted, finally straightening and realising he was actually standing on the other man’s foot. Stepping away, Itachi turned and smiled at Hidan, looking behind him and seeing Konan looking at him.

“That was really good cake.” Itachi laughed and nodded at her.

“I’ll ask Naruto to make another one.” He glanced behind himself as Sasuke, who was currently struggling to get out of Obito’s hold. “Shouldn’t be too difficult.”

“Oi, I said he owes _me_ , not _us_. That cake is all mine.” Deciding to let the fire fighters argue it out amongst themselves, amused when the rest of the crew slowly joined in, he walked over to Shisui and leaned against him, smiling when an arm went around his waist and squeezed.

“My life flashed before my eyes there.”

“ _Your_ life, you weren’t the one with a flaming man running towards you.” Shisui laughed at this and reached his other arm out to pull a recently free Sasuke into his embrace, who cursed and wiggled but ultimately accepted his fate as human comfort blanket.

“I love my tiny cousins.” Shisui smiled proudly and kissed the tops of their heads, the two of them making eye contact from their positions and kicking Shisui’s shins in unison, making him flinch and let them go. He pouted at them and rubbed his skin, before turning back and watching as Sasori started to ineffectively bandage the burned man’s body with Kisame’s small first aid kit, the man still being held to the ground by a foot on the small of his back.

“Something tells me he’s gonna need more bandages than that.” They could hear an ambulance wailing in the distance.

“Well done Sherlock.” Sasuke was in a sour mood after having his personal boundaries broken twice in the space of five minutes, but he was clearly more shaken up than he let on, inching closer to Itachi for comfort. Shisui turned to Itachi and grinned.

“One stalker down one to go.” Itachi snorted and ignored the bewildered look from Deidara, who overheard Shisui’s comment.

“Mah.” Kakashi spoke from his spot standing on the arsonists back, having moved faster than anyone had ever seen him in order to take the man down. “This makes me want a bacon sandwich.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Running the home stretch of this fic now - probably another two possibly three chapters and it's done!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sasuke gets very drunk, Shisui insists on a goodnight kiss, and Itachi figures that him and his brother didn't do to badly in the boyfriends department (not that he was looking).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whistles and pretends it didn't take her six months to update this*

If there was one thing that Kisame never expected from his date with Itachi, it was this: standing in Hidan’s massive living room doing shots with Itachi’s little brother while they watched Itachi himself try to beat Konan in a very intense game of Jenga, made all the more difficult by the copious amounts of alcohol in everyone’s systems - more than once the tower had fallen simply because Shisui overbalanced in his intoxicated state and fell into the table. That’s not to say that Kisame was having a bad time, he was surrounded by his friends and he was well on his way to being truly smashed. Not to mention he was drinking Sasuke under the table and thoroughly enjoying the way the younger man was beginning to stagger and give increasingly more detailed descriptions of the ways he wanted to dismember the man who tried to set his precious big brother on fire. 

He also felt slightly privileged that the normally very stiff and unapproachable Sasuke was draping himself all over him, although this was probably in an effort to keep himself upright rather than a display of camaraderie.

“Okay kid, careful now.” Kisame laughed as he directed/dragged Sasuke over to the sofa, kicking at Zetsu when he made an attempt at tripping them both, and dumped the youngest Uchiha in a grumbling, uncoordinated pile next to an amused looking Nagato. Sighing, he considered helping the struggling boy into an upright position before deciding it was considerably more entertaining to watch him instead and jumped as an arm draped itself across his shoulder, having not heard anyone coming up behind him.

Uchiha’s are sneaky little bastards.

“Ah, I see you’ve met drunk Sasuke.” Shisui and Kisame watched in stoic silence as the kid finally managed to get his head out of the pillows only to fall back down again when his legs refused to cooperate, letting out an indignant noise as he fell back down. Shisui turned to him with a serious expression, which cracked and made way to a wide, amused grin.

“He’s lucky he’s adorable because this shit is embarrassing as fuck.” Kisame smiled back and nodded, looking over his shoulder when there was a cheer and saw the Jenga tower fall dramatically as Itachi watched it in dismay, his expressions opening up as he drank shot after shot of a vile-tasting cherry vodka. Beside him, Konan was doing a small, quite adorable victory dance and Deidara seemed to be filming it on his phone.

“You’re the chief.” Kisame turned back to the sofa as Sasuke’s slurred words were followed by a giggle that was way too close to his ear to be comfortable, and he shot a mildly offended look Shisui’s way for breathing on him, receiving a very mature stuck out tongue in reply. 

“Yes I am.” God bless Nagato for remaining sober and maintaining enough patience not to throw Sasuke on the floor when the boy kicked him dangerously close to the nuts while the Uchiha made himself comfortable slumped over the sofa (luckily for him Hidan was nowhere in sight to kill him for putting his shoes on the precious seat). 

“Shouldn’t you be investigating or something?” Sasuke was now shooting what Kisame presumed was supposed to be a judgemental and disapproving look, which he knew to be very effective in normal circumstances but when one eye was squinting in an effort to stabilise double vision the effect was significantly dulled. Nagato hummed and smiled indulgently. 

“We did everything we can, the perpetrator was caught so it’s police work now.” Sasuke tutted and sniffed in a condescending manner.

“Whatever.” 

“Don’t be so rude Sasuke.” There was more breath on his neck, but when he turned his head Kisame felt slightly less irritated than with Shisui when he saw Itachi resting his chin on his shoulder, giving his brother an unhappy look. When Kisame glanced down he saw that Itachi was having to stand on his tippy toes to reach where he was, and the firefighter fought down the urge to slouch: he had a habit of making himself look smaller in an effort to look less intimidating. One of the things that had attracted Kisame to Itachi in the first place was that, despite how seriously  _ tiny  _ the man was, he never seemed to be afraid or intimidated by Kisame’s size. In fact he barely seemed to notice. 

As Zabuza was fond of saying, height didn’t matter when you were in a horizontal position. Of course he only said this because he was a big bastard and his  _ something  _ Haku was like a teeny, tiny little bird in comparison.

Kisame was brought back to the present by a sharp jab to his side, which had him flinching and accidentally headbutting Shisui in the process. 

“Ow, fuck, what?” He turned to Itachi frowning, resisting the urge to kiss the other’s nose when he saw how it wrinkled in irritation. He’d never seen Itachi’s face do that before, maybe all that vodka had been a good idea after all. 

“I asked you a question.” 

“Oh.” Kisame raised an eyebrow and shrugged, having no idea what question he’d been asked and therefore unable to answer it. 

“Is there anyone still sober enough to drive us home?” Itachi shot a quick look at Sasuke, who seemed to be attempting to stare Nagato down, which Kisame knew from experience was not going to happen. Ever. 

“At least drive him home.” Kisame laughed and turned to Nagato. He was the only one who hadn’t drunk anything, and he also had quite a nice car which was currently parked in the driveway. Just as he was going to ask the man about maybe being charitable enough to play designated driver for the evening, he was interrupted by Shisui. 

“Tonight.” The man announced importantly, shoving past Kisame to get to Itachi (he was surprisingly strong, and Kisame found himself wondering not for the first time whether the Uchiha were secretly a mob family), placing a heavy jacket around his shoulders and drowning him in high-visibility fabric. 

“Tonight, we are honorary firemen.” Itachi stood and stared down at himself, raising an eyebrow at the atrocious article of closing. Kisame couldn’t help but feel like it looked appropriate on him right now: he was still mostly covered in ash, and smelled distinctly of smoke, which was all firefighters' natural cologne. Of course the other man could make this outfit look like the cover of a high fashion magazine, although he did look rather comical considering the jacket was Kisame’s and fell nearly to his knees, his hands not even visible in the sleeves. Deidara appeared from out of  _ nowhere  _ (an unfortunate skill of his, which he tended to put into play at the worst possible moments) and patted Itachi on the back, laughing. 

“Let’s go to a bar. You get lots of free drinks when you’re a firefighter sitting at a bar.” The long-haired blonde winked, pulling Itachi’s hair free from the collar of the jacket and prompting Kisame to stamp down on the hot flash of jealousy and possessiveness that flashed through him at the act. That hair was  _ his  _ to touch dammit. 

Itachi wearing his jacket was not helping Kisame’s inner aggression. 

“Know what else you get a lot of when you’re a firefighter sitting at a bar?” Hidan had appeared, once again displaying his wonderful manners with a lecherous grin and an arm around Deidara’s shoulders. 

“You are a vile human being.” Konan walked over, her own jacket already hanging from her arm: clearly they were all in agreement about the bar idea. She shot Hidan a withering glare which could (and, in the past, had) make men cry, and the foul-mouthed man wisely didn’t finish his quip. She turned to Nagato and raised an eyebrow, and Kisame watched in amusement as the chief finally turned his gaze away from Sasuke’s (who looked smug at having won the unofficial staring contest) in order to obey the frightening woman. If he wasn’t afraid to have his balls chopped off for even asking, Kisame might have enquired as to the relationship between the two - as it were, he was aware that they had a past (and a seemingly tragic one, he’d seen the same picture of a red-headed man in both of their respective wallets) but he wasn’t sure of their relationship in the present. And he was sufficiently terrified of Konan to not pry.

Regardless, whether he was getting any or not, Nagato was fully whipped when it came to her, and he stood (admittedly with a long-suffering sigh) and began to usher the others together into some form of order. Kisame looked down at Sasuke and watched as the younger boy gave his brother a wide, honest smile which he would never in a million years have displayed sober. 

Kisame felt that he was truly beginning to understand the Uchiha that he had met, however he was slightly intimidated by the silver-haired man who had taken down the burning lunatic in his house earlier in the evening: he didn’t think he’d ever seen anyone move so fast, and yet take down a person in such a casual, laid-back way. How was it even possible to be so hasty and yet so lazy at the same time? He didn’t know if the man was actually related to Itachi in any way, although the man he’d arrived with certainly did, but he was hoping not to have to meet him in any official manner anytime soon.

(Had he been properly informed, of course, Kisame would have laughed at himself for being afraid of Kakashi, and then whimpered at the thought of having to spend any time with the deceptively sweet-looking Rin.)

Snorting in amusement as he watched Itachi and Shisui try to wrestle a squirming and uncooperative Sasuke out of the sofa cushions, Kisame leaned forward and gripped the back of the kid’s shirt with one hand, giving a yank and lifting him smoothly into the air until he was hanging in front of Kisame’s face, looking highly unamused and - not for the first time - reminding Kisame of an extremely pissed-off kitten. Gently placing Sasuke feet first on the floor, and catching him when he toppled over, Kisame turned just in time to catch Shisui and Itachi having one of their weird eyebrow conversations, although he could guess the topic by the lecherous look on Shisui’s face. Grinning in spite of himself, he threw an arm over Itachi’s shoulder and leaned into his personal space.

“What’re you gossiping about over here?” Itachi turned to him, their faces nearly touching, and gave him an unimpressed look so identical to the one he’d just escaped from Sasuke that he almost did a double take to make sure he’d embraced the right person. 

“Nothing of your concern.” Kisame snorted but accepted the answer, flashing a quick look Shisui’s way and seeing the innocence plastered all over it. Kisame sighed and glanced over towards the collection of people over by the doorway, watching as Deidara patted a still-sulking Sasuke on the head. 

“Alright you bunch of fuckin’ losers, let’s roll.” Hidan turned and made to open the door with a flourish, but just as his hand reached the handle a sound rang through the house that most of them had begun to dread: the sound of six beepers going off in unison. Quick as a flash, Nagato had his phone out and the keys for the fire truck in his hand, asking fast questions as he snapped his fingers at the rest of them, talking rapidly to Sasori who had been the unlucky one on call tonight with Kakuzu. Sighing, Kisame turned to Itachi and shrugged with a regretful smile. 

“Duty calls.” 

“Don’t get me wrong, but aren’t you all a little…flammable to be around fires right now?” Shisui glanced around at the fire team as they all ran around in various states of intoxication, Hidan falling over his own feet and pulling a yelling Deidara down with him, only to find the boot he was looking for under the sofa. Konan smiled and waved a dismissive hand. 

“We have a very large coffee pot in the back of the truck.” Shisui hummed but still looked somewhat concerned. Kisame smiled at the three Uchihas and shifted a little on his still-clothed feet (he liked to keep his shoes on in these situations: better vomit on his shoes than his socks). 

“You guys gonna be okay?” Itachi pulled a face, no doubt considering their options for what to do now. They could call a taxi, but his wallet had been burned to a crisp and the other two hadn’t thought to grab theirs when they left the house in a hurry. Sasuke suddenly piped up from under Shisui’s arm.

“The university is about five minutes walk from here, we can go back to mine.” Seeming satisfied, Itachi nodded and smiled at Kisame, reaching an arm out and pulling the large man into a hug. 

“Call me tomorrow, not too early though.” Kisame grinned and rested his chin on top of Itachi’s head.

“Will do, get some sleep you brats.” Laughing at the way Sasuke’s face fell into anger once more, and at how Itachi pinched at his side cruelly, Kisame released Itachi and turned only to come face-to-face with Shisui. 

“You have to give him a goodbye kiss. I’ve seen Ladder 49, I know what happens out in the world.” Sighing, and wishing he had a penny for every time someone had mentioned that fucking film to him, Kisame turned back to an amused looking Itachi. Leaning down, he pressed a soft, sweet kiss onto Itachi’s mouth (ignoring the cat calls from Hidan and Deidara, and taking the muttering to ‘hurry it up’ from Nagato on board). He leaned back and returned Itachi’s smile before rolling his eyes at Shisui and leaving, listening to Hidan ushering everyone out of his house in his own special way (“Get the fuck out.”). He climbed into the back of the truck, which was mighty cramped with everyone else in there, and waved to the three Uchihas as he closed the door, falling on his ass when Nagato didn’t give him the time to get himself seated before he drove off, sirens blasting.   

Well, Kisame reasoned with himself, it could have been a  _ worse _ date.

 

* * *

 

Looking down at himself, Itachi had some flashbacks of times from his childhood when him and Shisui used to dress up in their uncles’ jackets and play pretend at being them. He’d always enjoyed acting out the stuck up, pretentious asshole who never showed any love: Uncle Madara’s jackets always smelled the best anyway; he may not be Itachi’s favourite person but he did have very good taste in aftershave. The way him and Shisui (who almost always chose to be Obito) would prance around the house ordering people around and being general nuisances was something that Itachi would always hold dear to his heart, if only because Shisui was slightly easier to deal with when he was pretending at being like Obito. 

Acting was never his strong suit, after all. 

Distinctly less pleasant were memories of times when they’d been caught in this exercise. Where Aunt Rin was subtle in her punishments, Uncle Madara was the very opposite: Itachi was forever traumatised by the amount of imagination his uncle had, punishments ranging from having to walk the neighbour’s dogs (which always seemed to need to take a shit in the middle of the road) to mowing the lawn of the old lady down the road who had a thing for pinching cheeks and calling him ‘sweetums’.  

Regardless, Kisame’s jacket swamped him in ways that made him feel like the kid the other man constantly accused him of being. Only the appreciative way Kisame had eyed him up kept him from taking off the jacket, whether he’d be cold or not. It wasn’t as though they were going to be outside for long: the university really was just around the corner, although having to constantly righten Sasuke from where he stumbled meant that the journey would take a little longer than it normally would. Itachi couldn’t bring himself to be disappointed about the day: the date had been amazing after all, and if you ignored the whole Kisame’s-house-set-on-fire thing then the evening had been pretty great. Watching Kisame interact and get along with what he considered the most important parts of his family was worth any issues there had been along the way. 

He knew that Kisame was going to have to meet the whole family eventually, and Itachi’s plan was to keep him as far away as possible from Obito and Kakashi: Rin was a perfectly reasonable person (most of the time) but even she could have trouble keeping the terrible duo under control when they had a specific goal in mind. And when somebody happened to bring a love interest along, there was only ever one goal: annihilation. 

Kakashi wasn’t doing it out of love, obviously, but out of bitterness that his own love life was a massive, black hole of nothing. That’s what Itachi liked to tell himself, anyway, seeing as how thinking of Kakashi harbouring any sort of familial love to him was enough to give him a headache for life. Shisui liked to point out that Kakashi was pretty much an uncle in his own right, since he was clearly having ‘super hot threesome sex’ with Obito and Rin, but Itachi tended to ignore this, if only because he was fairly certain that people didn’t shoot looks filled with that much longing towards people they were already bedding. It hurt him a little to admit that it wasn’t Kakashi who was displaying these expressions. 

Anyway, if he was certain about anything it was this: there was no way he was introducing Kisame to the family officially before Sasuke did the same with Naruto. Although that didn’t seem that far off: Naruto had already met Obito and their parents, and really they were the most important after Shisui and himself. Maybe he could convince Sasuke to bring Naruto to Obito’s dinner next week, before Shisui’s annual ‘huge cousin funtime sleepover’ - a night dreaded by almost all of them, especially now that Obito and Rin’s children had (unsurprisingly) grown up into little shitbags full of horrendous energy. 

Sighing in relief as he saw Sasuke’s residential building looming in front of them, he tried to wrestle the keys from his brother, who was being a stubborn little brat and refusing to give them up. He did somehow manage to open the main building door, and they found their way in front of his room, but that was where Sasuke’s hand-eye coordination finally failed him, and he tried five times to get the key into the lock before Itachi grew annoyed and tried to snatch it from him. 

“I can do it!” Sasuke’s voice rose too loud in an empty hall at 4 o’clock in the morning, and Itachi shushed him at the same time as a door down the hall opened and a head of black hair poked itself round the doorway. 

“Sasuke, shut the fuck up man.” 

“Fuck yourself Shikamaru.” Sasuke raised a one-finger salute towards the irritated man without turning his head to acknowledge them, before exclaiming in surprise as the door he was leaning on opened, and only Naruto’s quick reflexes had him landing in his (very nicely shaped, not that Itachi was looking) arms rather than face-planting onto the floor. Seeing his little brother with a face full of (very well-sculpted, let’s assume that Itachi was looking) pectorals, Itachi smiled and greeted Naruto with a pat on the back before pushing his way past the sleepy and confused looking boy into the dark room, Shisui following behind him with a much less subtle slap on the ass for Naruto. 

“Narutoooo.” Sasuke managed to lift his head from Naruto’s chest to give him a sweet little smile that gave Itachi painful cavities, and he snorted and turned away from the display before he either threw up or started cooing at how adorable it was, which is the route Shisui had apparently decided to take. Looking around himself, he noted that the ruffled bed on the left was obviously the one that Naruto had slept in and sat himself on the one opposite, barely blinking when Shisui ran at him and sprawled across the bed next to him. 

“Sorry Naruto, we’ll only be here until the morning.” He deemed it safe to turn and look at said boy, and found him dragging a clinging Sasuke into the room, a pleased but embarrassed flush on his cheeks from the uncharacteristic attention from the little brat. Naruto kicked the door closed behind him before flinging Sasuke unceremoniously onto the bed, where he spread himself out and proceeded to start snoring quietly. 

“Yeah that’s okay. I’ve got work quite early but if you’re still here when I get back I can take you guys home.” Itachi silently marvelled to himself how his shithead of a little brother had managed to snag himself someone so generous and understanding and returned Naruto’s bright smile with a small but genuine one of his own. Standing to pull off Kisame’s jacket, Itachi watched in dismay as ash fell from his trousers. He turned with a small, apologetic smile at Naruto, who pointed him in the way of their on-suite shower, letting him know where the towels were without turning away from his task of getting Sasuke’s shoes and pants off, having already removed his jacket at the door. Elated at the thought of finally getting his hair clean, Itachi closed the bathroom door behind him and heard Shisui mutter at Naruto to turn the light off. 

With his hair washed and a towel around his waist, Itachi hunted through the small room for the chest of drawers that he knew was Sasuke, hunting around until he found a pair of pajamas that would fit him. Shuffling across the room, he settled down next to Shisui and felt an arm immediately wrap around him as his cousin became the cuddle monster he was after dark. Itachi was awakened by a shrill alarm two hours later, opening one eye and glaring at the boy on the other side of the room as he turned lazily towards the phone and turned the noise off, watching as Naruto stretched slowly and collapsed into a boneless heap. Itachi closed his eyes again, only opening them a short while later when Naruto gave a whispered ‘sorry babe’ as he climbed over Sasuke to get out of bed, the other boy rolling over into the warm space Naruto had left with a grumble. 

When he woke up next, it was to his own phone ringing. Groping blindly at the bedside table, Itachi managed to grab it and answered with a scowl.

“Someone better be dead.” A deep chuckle reached him through the receiver and Itachi straightened a little, Kisame’s voice when he’d just woken up giving him pleasant (but inappropriate when sharing a bed with his cousin) insinuations of possible other circumstances.

“Sorry, did I wake you?”

“Yeah, it’s okay.” Itachi dug his elbow deep into Shisui’s ribs when he felt the older boy try to snatch the phone from him, pleased with the unhappy huff he let out in response. 

“You feeling a little sensitive this morning? I know I am, and I bet Sasuke definitely is.” Itachi glanced his brother’s way and registered the look of death being directed his way. 

“Sasuke is feeling a bit under the weather this morning. He looks even worse.” Kisame gave a laugh this time, throaty and genuine and giving Itachi butterflies and he was  _ so screwed _ . Rubbing at his eyes, he sat up and balked when he saw that the time was just after two in the afternoon: luckily for him his office had burned down so he wasn’t expected to turn up to work for a while, but he was supposed to be doing things from home. He sighed and elbowed Shisui again, just for the sake of it, before climbing out of bed. 

“I haven’t slept yet, the fire last night was a shit show. I just got back and my house smells like burning flesh.” Itachi winced as he remembered the unpleasant aroma that had drifted through Kisame’s house last night, and thought that maybe bacon wasn’t the best idea of things to eat right. 

Waffles though, waffles would be good. 

“That sucks, so you’re gonna sleep now and then tomorrow I’m coming over for dinner.” 

“Are you.” Kisame sounded amused, which Itachi took as a good sign. Not everyone enjoyed his own special brand of bossiness. 

“Yep, although I think I’ll bring take out.” 

“Probably a good idea, I don’t think my kitchen is up for entertainment any time soon.” 

“I would think probably not.” Itachi turned towards the door when he heard the key turn, watching as Naruto entered the room in his supermarket uniform and waving hello at the too-cheerful boy. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow then.” Kisame answered with a yawn.

“Yeah. Dream of me.” Kisame laughed again, humming down the phone. 

“I think that’s a given.” Itachi felt foolish but smiled like a 14-year-old on the phone with their first crush. 

“See you tomorrow Kisame.” He received a noise of confirmation and hung up the phone, turning to Naruto who was still smiling despite the death glare Sasuke had turned on him when he sat on the bed and cuddle-attacked him. 

“You were so cute and nice to me yesterday, I love drunk Sasuke.” If possible, Sasuke’s aura grew even darker and Itachi had to stifle a laugh as Naruto just leaned in and kissed his nose lightly. 

“Everyone loves drunk Sasuke.” Shisui spoke from the other bed, where he was wrapped in a cocoon of blankets that Itachi knew would be hell to wrestle from him when they wanted to leave. 

“You know what I love? Waffles. Where can I get some.” He turned towards the most reasonable person in the room right now (and the fact that this was Naruto made Itachi feel slightly nauseous) who smiled brightly at him and sat up, pulling an increasingly homicidal Sasuke with him. 

“I have a waffle iron, I can make them.” 

“Wonderful.” Itachi said as Naruto heaved himself off of the bed and moved back towards the door, a slight skip in his step displaying his excitement for cooking something. Itachi waited until the door was closed before he fell forward, catching Sasuke around the neck with his arm and pulling him down with him until he was face first in the pillows, which smelled like the shampoo he’d used last night, and ignoring the sound of utter outrage from his little brother as he was manhandled yet again.

Well, Itachi pondered to himself, him and Sasuke hadn’t done _too_ badly in the boyfriend department.

He’d given Shisui up as a lost cause a long time ago. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE I'M ALIVE. Sorry it's taken so looooong, third year of university is kicking my butt is the worst of ways, but I got a sudden burst of inspiration and put my studies on hold for a little while!   
> Hope you enjoyed (just realised that I haven't posted a chapter for this since I wrote Somebody to Love, which is the Obito/Rin/Kakashi story for this universe, so go check that out yay!).  
> Thanks for all the amazing reviews etc they have kept me going over these past months! You can come see me on my tumblr http://fallenstar18.tumblr.com/ if you wanna.


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